a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Thursday, December 28, 2017

The Juggernaut is at Speed

There are fewer, I should use the word less,  people who are honest, kind, and considerate than not in the world. I say less since people seems to be uncountable as a whole species. I have not found an honest worker(except Daisy) in over five years of living here in the Nutmegcarver state. I hate here.  However, I am throughly stuck here with no means of escape at this time. Winter showed up early and brought its brother from last year who was MIA. I have only one frozen water pipe ....the hot water to the kitchen sink.The kitchen sink is in the wrong ( and STUPID) place to begin with. I hope the previous owners who did this rot in hell.  And the dishonest workers I have encountered in the past 5 years can die a lousy death. My kindhearted nature ends when I am cheated with malice aforethought.
I have not read one shred of nice or good news in 16 years since this country took the final path to fascism. I said it was coming and since I said it on the internet it is  still out there. Now that the mainstream white folks are being included in the purge to oblivion they have awaken. So what. Nothing can change now at all. It is the juggernaut and nothing stops the momentum which began in earnest during Reagan reign. Clinton was not the change for the better in the ways that are effecting us now, nor was Obama.
In some window dressing the democrats have tried, but the smell of money the pull of greed has turned all the elected officials, elected to the public trust by the way, in to the enemy of the people and to the state. Few elected congressmen and senators are with-out treasonous actions on their hands. No matter how much they wrap the flag around their naked greed it can not cover it up. No one's hands are clean. And that is the sadness of this failed state, this mutation of what once was...and just barely at that. Everything this country tried to do for the welfare of the people has been and is being destroyed or tainted. There are no leaders who want to help the country, i.e.. the people. We are all not wealthy and in fact fewer people are wealthy than not. However there are many,  many people who are happy with what is going on. So happy in fact that they spent lots of money for this holiday season.  Bully for them. It seems few people really care about others and therefore who cares if others will suffer with the new order of the new country we have become.
We are not a Christian country nor any other religion....since every religion originally wanted peace and  to love one another, yet every follower of those religions have fallen down because they all think the best in life is yet to come in death so why worry about life today. Thanks religion for your abomination of whatever those poor prophets were yapping about that got misdirected because people just can't leave the greed and avarice alone .....thanks for nothing.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Say Goodbye to Walmart Online Shopping

I live a long way from Walmart. To just do some shopping is a three hour or more( usually more like 4 hours) adventure and a real hardship too boot. I can not just pop over to this megabilliondollarprofit corporation on a whim. When I saw I could buy online and have things delivered, I thought well this will be OK living in the hinterlands and being a 24/7 caregiver. So for several years I was able to order what I needed and have it delivered to my home. A real boon during the snowy winters. I had no one to people sit for me while off on a three hour( if only 3 hours) expedition to buy toilet paper and laundry detergent and the like...then haul it in to the house up a flight of steps.....
But Walmart does not want me to shop online. Walmart does not want anyone to shop online with out being gouged for the "privilege'. Everything I normally bought has had a price increase of breathtaking amounts! One third to two thirds more!!Their online prices are closer to the price gouging of Amazon's! I will say good buy to Walmart....I do not like Amazon much better but Walmart lured us in with their low prices since they know our incomes have stagnated and many times have been reduced  now they, being part of the oligarchy, want even more blood from the peasants. Walmart fueled the exodus from US manufacturing jobs to China cutting our wages even more. They prey on those who have little to begin with. They make devil deals with small towns to not pay taxes for a set period of time then when that time they move on down the road leaving  ugly huge useless buildings in their wake, and loss of jobs. The US is or rather has gone to hell for the lowers income classes of us free range serfs. Walmart just want to destroy other businesses and hold us in thrall as the only freaking place to shop in the rural states and rural areas. So much hatred  for those who made them the billionaires they are today.  So much for thinking this country was a nice place....this year has proven the illusion is not even there unless one has deluded themselves. So now my income has bee lowered by at least one third since my costs have been raised by that amount all for the avarice of Walmart.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Traveling Mirror

This will not be popular with Americans until they really think hard about what I have written. But Americans are cowards. They have never seen war on their soil since the civil war and no one is alive to even have had a grandparent to reminisce about the the Civil War. Yet so many are frothing at the mouth in anticipation to have more wars especially with North Korea. We have several going now accomplishing Nothing but bringing back wounded, dead, and broken military people. Spending our taxes to no end but war profits. The Pentagon now wants to invade N.Korea, Trump is all for it, I am sure, as are all the republican cowards who are hyperventilating all over Face Book for the supremacy of the American way. I would call them idiots but that is too soft a term.  America is not the ruler of the world and nor should it be. We came out on top after WW2 for only one reason…we were the only country left with an intact infrastructure, manufacturing capabilities, and cold hard cash. Our country was not touch by one bomb. Not once city was in ruins. All our citizens were well fed and comfortable no matter how much hardship the grandparents want to portray their war years. We had educated, healthy people to gear up to supply the world devastated by the war of nearly 10 years.
Our women worked in factories not fighting for their country with guns and starvation hiding in cellars and bombed out buildings.
We had it tough, yeah right.
Sorry folks we came out on top through luck that the businessmen here were thwarted by the plan of FDR to enter the war and not make a deal with Hitler. Even Trump’s father was frothing at the mouth to make some sweet deals once England fell.

So until war is here and WE THE PEOPLE really know suffering on our soil we are cowards to demand war in every part of the world for business profits…that is all it is… Profits.  Lots and lots of money to feed the billionaires while they break the backs of the common people here who are so stupid as to believe all the crap put out by the republicans and the so called conservative media. They are all for a war since they will make money. Hell they do not even care about the wounded who come back from the various wars we are engaged in now. Just open your eyes and really see how pathetic we have become. We had a chance to be a great country but decided money was god the father, god the son and god the holy spirit…..pathetic.

Monday, October 23, 2017

It will never end

Since I needed to shop today [and I feel much better thank-you]  I saw what I have been looking for  for well over a year. I am glad to find it but it make my pet peeve livid and he is out of control again. I really hate this capitalist oligarchy more and more every day. The rampant greed and pure avarice is sickening to the point of puking on peoples shoes.
Nothing is easy to calculate in my head anymore. The numbers are not done in metric units, which I can do very well thank-you either.  Just pure meanness and nasty avarice. All these corporations are rolling in their gold and laughing at us serfs as we try to use the crap for education we are getting to navigate everyday life.
It is to the point that I truly pity all the children in school today growing up in this country and world that hated them at birth but loved them as a fetus. The education system being destroyed by DeVos is the best way to calm the serfs since education/knowledge/ critical thinking is the key to survival and to create a little happiness out of the rubble we are allowed to have. The Oligarchs loathe our very existence and do all they can to make our lives mores miserable. Why? I always ask why make out lives more miserable....because they can and we allow them to.
We are too afraid to rise up and take our pitchforks to the castle and over throw the blood sucking leeches who prey on us daily for their pleasure. All these uber rich "people" are sick with their avarice... their illness shines on them like slime yet many bow down thinking that glow is some great thing    However it is just the slime that forms on rotting meat........
I am angry that I can not longer even pare down the spoiled fruit I am allowed to buy to find
 some thing edible...... few people will understand since they live in the paradise of fools. I left that prison long ago. I am not a fool anymore.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Catch 22

I am forced by the lazy, local, postal employees to have a PO Box. They refuse to deliver mail for about 4 blocks of Main Street. I do get my PO Box for free HOWEVER, I do not get all my mail.
If I have something that is addressed to my Street address ( and many many many Businesses, governmental entities, and foreign companies do not deliver to PO Boxes .).....my mail can be returned to sender since the PO Box number is not on the parcel, letter etc.....The new employees( and I have a strong feeling they are republican trumplings) are rude and so arrogant about my complaint that it makes me angry. Yes I made a scene there today but I was in the right and they were wrong and for some reason the one person who could make this not a problem is not there until Tuesday. FTS.      I know the republicans hate the Post Office and that is why they are strangling it with privatization .....probably several congressmen and senators have stock in privatizations mail companies since they never do anything for free.  Yes I hate what the Post Office has been turned into. It was once a well run respected part of our once nice nation now we are a banana republic with out the bananas

Monday, September 11, 2017

An interesting person


we met this man today and invited him in for coffee, pumpkin cake and to talk about his journey. His name is Eric

A Beaten and Vengeful People

Sixteen years ago the Terrorists brought down the United States of America in New York city.
We curled up in fear and gave away all of our freedoms, struck out at anyone who remotely looked or sounded like those few men who managed to hijack the three planes. We waged and are still waging cruel wars on every country that happens to be under the same umbrella religion called Islam. No one knows, or no one cares, that there are one billion people who are one form or another of the religion Islam. The one country directly responsible for the radical hate filled sect of Islam is Saudi Arabia…of course we have bent over backward to kowtow to all their demands in the name of oil and greed.. We fund those who wanted us to suffer. We still fund those who want us to suffer like some masochist.
All they needed to do to bring the US down was done on September 11, 2001. We went stupid, blind, and deaf and did the rest to ourselves.
Oh, we talked of solidarity and peace and all that. Most of the civilized world was on our side to help ameliorate the disaster and help us through the rubble. However we ignored them and set off to finish the job of destroying what was the United States of America.
Now sixteen years later we are a vengeful, beaten people. We have turned on each other here at home and lashed out at every country in the world in some way. We are isolated and alone and we like it that way….. Feeds our sense of martyrdom and butthurt.
We did try to change things a bit by electing the first black man to the presidency but I see now that was a ploy to finish us off. The racists that nursed their hatred and grudges since the civil war which was over in 1864 began coming out of the woodwork like cockroaches. They swarmed into the military, they swarmed into the police departments, they swarmed into the congress and senate or what is even more sinister like spy moles they came out of the closet and we saw them as our neighbors or even family members.
We are a doomed people. We feed on terror, we revel in hatred, We make money off the endless wars. We hate ourselves so much we want to kill everyone who is not pure American, this is a sickness that is like the flesh eating bacterias. There is not pure anyone on earth. The ideal of pure is a fantasy and made-up of lies. Yet the masses of undereducated slobs eat it up like candy. I see them all over this country. Each little quasi ethnic group sees “the other”, people are divided on the amount of melanin in the skin…. Nothing more, Them people are then divided on how they dress in public….nothing more. Then people are divided on how they pray….nothing more……the USA has fallen so low into the gutter that feeding a hungry child or many hungry children is considered a waste of money, time and effort. We have fallen so low into the gutter we think nothing about homeless people….but we are proud that our apartments earn us thousands of dollars a moth in profits….that is the key that is the new god of the United States of America profit….we want more money….Not every one just those who are already obscenely rich. They also hate anyone and everyone but fellow obscenely rich people.
So on this anniversary of the fall of the United States of America. I am old enough to see the fall with my own eyes. I saw no one speak out about the falling of the US so involved in hate they were from the leaders on down to the slobs in the closet. We lost what ever we were…a little bit every day since. Until the fall was complete last election day. I can not mourn the loss of the USA anymore…it has been a fast ride to the bottom and fewer people still see it………..sad. there is nothing for god to bless anymore,

Sunday, August 27, 2017

New Age Dilemma

We are growing older. We have been refugees for 16 years. We lost our place, our sense of belonging and see in hindsight we were not wrong in our actions and plans. However we are growing older and need to decide to settle down. To move again, or age in place and settle here are our dilemma. Here is not really home but then again our home is gone so it is just a choice. We are at the age where children and grandchildren should be out comfort but we married late in life and decided not to risk children. We have seen dozens of families and what kind of children are created but families and society. So far the best (responsible, mature, dependable capable adult children) took a very ridged family life that revolved around the raising of the children to become adults. Everything else was sidelined. Out of the many so far 2 families had decent children. Everyone else have adult childish people still thinking like spoiled teenagers in their 20s, 30s 40s. The decent mature adult child seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

So we are not mourning that loss of the children will care for the parent ideal. However we need to age as well as we can and prepared for our own ending.

We live in the nutmeg carver state. I never knew or thought it would be THIS bad. We need to be close to the border since we, at least I, will end up in my new country. He is still working on his life and projects and throws out edict to me when I least expect them.

I need to deal with two dead peoples stuff that I am saddled with. Some was easy to dispose off, some not so easy since I need an expert to evaluate special collections. But as I said I live in the boonies and finding expert, honest people is not easy. We have already seen how finding even handymen to do a job, FINISH a job is damn near impossible.
The question today is do we move again? It will be a move closer to the border. There are inviolable rules that must be met for another move the first is scenic beauty, for us that is water front or water view. The second is affordable and not a dump. Both are important. We have abilities for some work but will need paid help for most of the work. However the scenic beauty is chief. We have scenic beauty now but are 3 hours from the border. Times will only get worse as they have shown in the past 16 years, so being closer to the Home side will be a benefit. We can easily flow from one side to the other until......
We are also waiting for the cats to die off. When we were younger it was easier to care for out babies and attrition has halved the number we arrived with here to the Nutmeg Carver state. All are 12+ years old taken care of and loved but it is better to just have one or 2 cats. We feed the feral cats that come. For me I would love an apartment with a view. Yards are hard to clean when the snow flies. My forever home has a small manageable yard. Here is a sloping hill. Beautiful views from every window. Two story.... not the ideal for me in old age.
I saw a downtown apartment building for sale with shops on the street level and SIX river view apartments for not a lot of money in this day and age out side of this state. But who wants to open a shop of some sort, a cafe and maybe an office or two plus have some rentals? The ad said it needed some renovations...that can mean anything in real estate lingo from oh dear no grant counter tops to OH HELL it needs all plumbing and electrical through out. It is a Flat Iron brick building that looks awesome Oh to be 40 again!
So that is my new age dilemma. I wish I new people who wanted to really do something but I do not. I do not know anyone anywhere anymore. I am a refugee who is a bit too old to take on a new project except for maybe another house closer to place I will be buried.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

We All Can Crack

I read a headline today about Sinead O'Connor and a FaceBook video she made in the pain of a mental event( my interpretation) . I looked at the comments. I take the pulse of Humanity with the comments of all the social media.
A lot of people have little to no sympathy nor compassion since she is is celebrity and is therefore wealthy beyond belief. She is also controversial so the sympathy gauge is even lower. This shows how morally bankrupt we as a species can be. There is no religion that says I got mine and the hell with you …except maybe the Trumpsters, Republicans, and assorted Ayn Randers( who also call themselves Libertarians ) that I have come across. I need to include the new age Christians too. They are the epitome of to hell with you I got mine group.
However this has little to do with those people but a lot to do with what I have seen in my great many years.
I am my brother’s ( and sister’s) keeper from a social welfare standpoint. How many cliches can I conjure on this topic? There but for the grace of god go I? Comes to mind. Many times a day while reading the horror show of this world online I think that.
I currently live in a country that could not care less about the welfare of its residents if it tried. All the movers and shakers of this once great nations give zero fucks about anyone except themselves. A few like the president would throw their own offering under the bus to save their skin as demonstrated just recently. These people set the tempo of life here, and the sheeple follow in turn with a hard heart and I got mine to hell with you attitude all along down the line.
To get pleasure from another’s suffering gives many great pleasure . Ms O’Conner’ pain is nothing new. It is new blood for the vampires. I have seen this for a long time.

I grew up in a big city. I knew, as a family friend, my godfather, my father’s oldest and closest friend, a man who was the most famous in the city. Everyone with-in 100+ miles knew of him, listened to him or watched his TV show……for decades. Yet he was isolated in his fame as I am certain Ms O’Connor is now. Yes he drank, had many marriages and escapades that decorated the news papers and airwaves, that entertained those who never met him but certainly were in awe of him. Yes he shoved people away from him except my father and mother …and me since I had become an adult under his eyes. He was best man at my parents wedding 66 years ago. He brought my mother and me home from the hospital when I was born since Dad was at sea and near Okinawa. Home then was a hotel room, I slept in a drawer for a few months until Dad arrived home and then some time longer since rentals were hard to come by even then post war. So I knew this man from before birth.
Lots of interesting stuff can go here but will not. Let me just say say I was the last person my uncle talked to on the phone before he died. Whether he killed himself or not is still speculation. But accidental is I think the term used. We talked for about an hour. He wanted to talk to Dad but dad was out at the time and since we had interesting conversations in the past we chatted. He asked how my poetry was coming along -he liked what I wrote- what was going on in my life. Telling me someday the right man will discover me as a jewel and hold me tight.

He was alone and knew he had pushed several people away, and many more people drifted away because he could no longer supply them with his celebrity fallout. His aura of fame and andaz ( personal style) was sought after by those who feed off others. Fame/celebrity whores are all over, those sycophants who push the booze, the drugs, who go along and encourage the hair brain ideas the the famous conjure up in the rarefied air of manic fame. I know how it works. I saw it from the outside; moreover I saw it from the inside and knew the dangers, I saw the deceit, the lies, the harm others would do to the gentle souls, those delicate personalities who seem larger than life but are as fragile as an egg shell.

After a few years their shells are crazed all over and it takes nearly nothing for their shells to crack. Sinead O’Connor is one of those souls who felt so intensely and now her shell is crazed and cracking. And those who hate the celebrities they worship are the first ones in line to beat on the shell harder to crack it open with glee….shameful glee….that shows their bankrupt personalities.
Our world is bankrupt and many more people live in the poverty of the soul with out feelings, compassion or the least care for another living creature. It looks like the leaders of our earth are this way and many of us peasants like to emulate them….It is hard to swim against the tide of what little humanity is therewith out drowning. I could follow the tide of what is going on….but no….my soul is still intact….and yes there needs to be more help from the governments for health ( mental and physical ) for we the people. We the people no longer have the wealth and never really did to stop our lives and take time to heal. We are all not the same, many of us are not that strong and our shells are crazed ready to crack…..

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Needed ...A Change is Society

I am inspired by an article I read on the internet about opioid addicted babies being treated with music therapy .....
What the hell have we devolved to?
In my youth unwed mothers were shamed and sent to a home and forced to give their babies away. The fathers were ignored and the onus of the birth and life of that baby fell on a poor young girl or young woman. Many times her family disowned her and she was as abandoned as her baby.
We, as a society, fixed that. We did not want shame on these women since birth control was non-existent, in many cases abortion was illegal and expensive when the back ally abortionist was found. The woman could end up dead as well as the baby. We as a society changed that. We took the cruel stigma away...on a whole a good thing.
It is still a tenuous right and many states have gone backward and are embracing their fear and loathing of women.
We were asked to no longer judge these unfortunate women. Also a good thing.

However today we are so far away from personal responsibility, personal shame in our stupid actions that no one is learning from the mistakes of others. We are told not to judge. Well I say phooey and it is about time to judge, time to revive personal responsibility, time to demand accountability of all of us.
If Drugs are the problem in a person's life then let us revive the term junkie. Since every one I know who "has a problem with drugs" is really a junkie, let us call them that. Drugs were cheap when I was young. They are not cheap now ...so these junkies really need to steal or whatever to get the money to get their high. We accept that So and So has a problem....excuse me we are the ones with the problem we are the ones who get burgled, see our relatives in squalor strung out and sick. We bring them in to clean up only to have our car stolen, the kids piggy bank broken into, and all the jewelry taken to pawn for another joyride of good times. ENOUGH.
If a woman who wants to be a junkie, that first time taking the drug of choice is what? A CHOICE! So be it but, no woman need get pregnant & bring a addicted baby into the world to be taken poorly care of by her, family or the state.
That addicted baby will have problems all its life. I had a cousin with fetal alcohol syndrome since his mother could not lay off the booze to ensure that child had at least an even chance. She never raised him after he was born either. But that is another chapter.

As a society we need to legalize & regulate recreational drugs. Illegal drugs are a multi-Billion dollar industry here in the US, has caused horrific crimes in dozens of supplying countries. Once the huge profits are removed then we can settle in to seeking the answers to why are these people wanting to get loaded all the time. As for the women they have a special burden of reproduction. All women who are doing drugs, who are junkies need to be either sterilized or implanted with Pregnancy control. Do not call it birth control call it Pregnancy control. No woman who is not ready and wanting to give up her life for her child should be having babies. If they have babies because of welfare that is another reason for better education and vocational training and a Universal Basic Income. No child should be a persons meal ticket. Foster care is also a big business riddled with abuse. No child should be poorly cared for in this world or this nation.

We changed how society responds before; now it the real test to change for the good of all so I do not need to read about addicted newborn babies who did not ask for life, BUT society forced it to have life. Then what? Abandons it to the wolves to live in poverty, want, hunger, and fear...some compassion that it and I say PHOOEY on that fake right to life people when that is just torture for their life. We need to change and we need to do it now.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Three Castes of Americans

We have an interesting Caste system here in the US. We have the Rich Elite, The Educated Elite and The Ignorant Peasant. The most mobile caste is the Ignorant Peasant. Once a person is in the Rich Elite there is no incentive for anything but power and dominance over the IP and the EE. The EE are stuck in their class since they know too much to be trusted by the RE and the IP are unaware of the power the EE could have.

The Rich Elite are those who were handed money at birth and a few lucky jerks who had an idea and bulldozed it into society and were successful.... Jeff Bezos, Gates and that guy who gave us Apple come to mind. The Old Monied families are dinosaurs and extinct they were the ones who had some level of duty to those less lucky than themselves Kennedy, Roosevelt, come to mind, to do public service for the greater good.

The Educated Elites are a mixed income group. Well read, paid attention in school, learned critical thinking skills and practice them. I am in that group. By the time I was able to afford to go to university I had already read the books, novels and other publications that allowed me to sail through university honing my knowledge, learning research techniques...I was fine tuning what I had done on my own.

Ignorant Peasants can be wealthy we have prime examples today...Trump, DeVos (and everyone else in Trumps circle)
as well as all those who voted and support republicans who are not wealthy now. IPs have few manners but manners as in knowledge are acquirable to those who want them ...all for free.

The most mobil caste is the Ignorant Peasant since to learn stuff is free....there just needs the desire. Every town in the States has a library or at least one close by. If this backward state I live in has libraries all over then most other places have libraries. The IP can be extreme trash and have no desire to read beyond the National Enquirer and watch FOX and the garbage on their cable or they can be readers of books. IPs come in all income groups, all races, genders, religions. Many IPs are willfully ignorant, revel in their ignorance as we see on TV and hear on Talk radio.....preachers, bullies, O'Reilly, that loudmouth lout whats his name, Kellyanne Conway....et al. IPs are all genders female, male, and trans. Since IPs are willful they can rise from one Caste to another.

A Few will go into the EE...many are driven by greed and happily step on everyone to get rich or whine in their poverty and suck lemons, scowl at every one with bits of ambition. They are genius at excuses for their lot in life. My daddy done it so will I. Or at least I am no {insert ethnic slur here} and feel superior to anyone they have no right to feel better than...... The REIPs cater to this group of their fellow IP. They are bread and butter of these vampires. They suck the marrow from the ignorant peasants and while telling the IP how bad they have it and they can fix it. IPs are either the laziest or the most ambitious of the castes.....I know many in this caste some are pleasant enough.....but the aura of common sense is missing...
So there is my opinion. I was born into the EE caste alas my sibling chose to move to the IP. Our caste system is mobile. These castes have nothing to do with income or money. Castes never did. SO which one are you in?

Monday, June 19, 2017

We Need to Feel Sad and Grieve

An actor I admired from my favorite TV series died a day or so ago. The public announcement coming from the family asked us not to feel sad or grieve but remember his comedy and his joy of making people laugh....Sounds OK, innocent enough... However; I just lost a dear one and the loss cuts me like a knife. And this loss also cuts me.....we need to feel sad and grieve for the loss of a life that touched us. We can rejoice in their memory of laughter a little later on but now we need to feel our sadness.

It is a good thing to feel the loss, to feel the pain, to mourn. Later (some sooner some later) I can enjoy the happy memories but now I do not have that being in my life and there is a HOLE where they used to be. Even when I did not personally know the departed one Their life touched my life and I feel the loss. I was devastated when my favorite author died suddenly, I feel the loss of another favorite author who also died too young and could not continue to create. Selfish? Maybe but that was their joy and their life was cut short.

In order to value life we must mourn the losses or life becomes disposable and we see that everyday. We are disposable all the life on earth is treated as so much surplus trash to quickly get rid of. That is why we continue with wars and hate filled rhetoric spree like open sewer pipes from the religious, politicians, and "average citizens". We need to feel sorrow in order to feel joy. And we need to be allowed to feel our sorrow. If we do not mark a life passing with tears, sorrow, a keen sense of loss, then that life had no meaning. It means we did not value that life.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017


When one is a displaced person nowhere is ever home. We know no one here, there is no family, and those that we do meet there is a strange desire to cling fast...yet we hold back because we know we will be disappointed ....and that is true..... hold back and when we do venture a test footings we are never disappointed. We stay the "other". That is why people from other places tend to clump together, even when, if they were in your home town, they would never be desired for friends but the shared fear, the shared isolation, the feeling of being "other" allows the standards to be dropped and welcomes anyone who knows who you are. That is one reason we love our pets and we fuss about getting them to be with us no matter where we end up. That cat or dog is family and is there with us being company during the long dark times when the only people you know are those your pay. We can never go back, we can not stay here. The situation is still the same as when we became refugees. Two things happen one clings to stuff since stuff is never judgmental, it never disappoints and it is always there when needed. Like the fallen friends before we were displaced. Some traditions are kept close while other tradition need to be tossed aside as too much baggage for the journey. The second is fear. fear of loosing what we have left, each other, what little health and becoming helpless in a strange and for all intents and purposes hostile land. We will be the first to be singled out since we are not from here.
One thing that many will find odd or bizarre is when one of out pets dies there is the anxiety of having to leave their bones behind when we realize that this place is not our place to settle. We will never be able to visit a grave, like we can not visit our parents graves, our friends from the life we once had.
It is this that makes grief that much more intense.
Other......I enjoy the scenery, the weather is not bad.....but I know it can not become home since that choice has been denied us....we still need to go a little farther down the road, further still until be too die but then our bones can rest since we are back to the beginning ......

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Always On the Wrong Side

I am full of grief today but I will not write about why. I am also full of shame, more grief over the way this, my country, has turned to the dark side.
I was born in a double whammy out of favor set of minority ethnic stuff. I had no choice it was the gift from my parents. I coped the best I could. This coping lead to a secretive nature, loner, quiet child. I am still all the above. I was another even worse minority for neatly 40 years but I was able to get rid of that but I did not really it still follows me. What I never did was feel indifferent to others. I saw people as people and wanted for them what I wanted for myself. I am a generous person I share. I am always, even after this whole life I have I lived, surprised when I meet people who begrudged others crumbs from their table. I am well off in a sense my house is paid for, I am independently lower class. That is like independently wealthy but not much money to throw around, still the need to watch the pennies and such.

However, I no longer need to endure the crap of the right to work states, the nasty supervisors and the overt/covert discrimination that dogged my working life.
I have developed strong dislikes over the time of my life for certain attitudes and the ones that appalls me the most are: I got mine the hell with you attitude...if one is poor they deserve it since I am not poor I worked for what I have...; and all the similar attitudes that plague this country. I especially dislike libertarians, and of course republicans...don't get your knickers in a bunch I am not fond of the current incarnation of the democrats either.

Many of you can walk by a homeless person with out seeing them...no one asked why people have no home no room.....no food..nothing but what the scrounge on the streets. Many are veterans. I remember when the god Reagan emptied all the mental institutions in the 1970s he put people on busses with a one way ticket and a few days worth of medication to the last address of the last relative on the records...some of those records had not been updated for decades....Of course these outcasts got off the bus wherever and had to cope...they coped by living on the streets.....1000s of people were cast out in the name of money. I hate Reagan and glad he suffered in his last years.

I am sad for the fall of empire of the USA. It will never recover from the current Trump and Republican regime. Morality lost, humanity lost, anything altruistic lost last November....And what is the most horrifying change that has occurred is how few people see this spiral down into the abyss of the neofascist united states of america as a bad thing. So many people think this is a good thing. And too many blame Russia for interference....they are not the problem really, the "interference" was welcomed by the republicans! It was not a surprise to them that is why they are not concerned about the events of this first 6 months of Trump.

This is why I grieve, this is why I feel shame....I saw it coming. I wrote about it. Many others see it now...but now is too late to save the old America....we need to create a new america out of the ashes yet to come..... will any of us survive these coming 4 years? It is not trump anymore the people are in place no matter how many people get ousted, impeached, disappeared, the line of succession is full of trumps and worse! Welcome to the end of the line.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Nothing Real only Hype

So I risked my health last night and took a benadryl for this awful allergic reaction I have been dealing with for over a week.....with in 20 minutes I was breathing and not coughing. My joint pains went away and my swollen feet went back to normal feet. Yes I get a massive reaction to certain chemicals used in common products. I just spent a few hours reading or rather chasing a Will-o'-the-wisp for some real information something yes or no would help; I could not find much on the NO DON"T TAKE IT YOU WILL LOSE YOUR MIND verses sure take it it won't hurt...and lots of nothing in between. Now that I have reached that magic age of imminent death I am concerned since I refuse to linger like a useless sponge like OO. But I still feel at least young in heart and mind...the bottom line is there is no bottom line. I do not take it to sleep but to not die from anaphylaxis, or rather a milder form of it which is still pretty freaking bad too.

I do not consider me an old fashioned old person like those I knew in my youth. I look better, I eat fairly healthy don't smoke or drink. Yet after menopause things in the body does change so why would not other things also change in old people? There is not much really out there about Boomer old people. We are all over the place. I know people younger than me are all granniefied and settled in their ways, I know a lot who have died before they got to the age I am now...my own father never made it past 58. And I know old people my age who are truckin' along with just a few roadside reminders that we ain't 30 anymore. The absolute terror of this age is not knowing when we will pop off. S many have died in this last 18 months that I have become concerned .....am I just a heart beat from dropping dead? Should I start to downsize my stuff since there is no one to leave it too? Do I need more stuff? You know different stuff. I do not want an old persons house decor.....how gawdawful that would be all that crocheted TP roll holders, collector plates and figurine, and such.... yuck I did not like hat stuff way back when I was young and I certainly have not developed a taste for it now.

Not only do I now need to worry about dropping dead, but the only medicine that keeps me from dropping dead when the allergy hits is suppose to give me Alzheimer's or dementia too boot( yes I said too boot! bite me!). As I was saying I was chasing down some real information and found next to none. Everyone said to talk to your doctor... doctors are nice and all, but they do not have time to run down all this information like I do. And I can see most of what they can read also. I will continue to take As Needed benadryl so I can not die of this allergic reaction. I will stay well informed of health issues and just try to not die yet and not become a sponge either....there has to be the right time to kick off. I just am not sure when that is.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Hippies Lost

I have seen the movie Bullitt several times. We watched it again the other night and we looked at each other and asked have we seen this before? As pieces of the movie were familiar the whole theme was not and it became the first time we watched and understood the movie.
Now I am a real fan of reading into what I want as critique. I do not follow any one school of thought believing my ideas are as valid as any one else’s. I am educated and was an English Professor for over 10 years before I was black listed …but that is another story. So I am as well versed in the many schools of critique and found each one of them stilted and wanting in depth. So I do my own thing. I was hippie-ish and not a Mod
In these times of Trumpistan and Kafkaistan I now see where these of my age conservatives came from.
In the old days there were the Hippies and the Mods. Our music was different, our values were different, our clothes were different. We did not coexist but ran parallel through the 1960s and 1970s.
There are no Hippies in Bullet even though it was San Francisco in 1968. There are Mods and the then current establishment. The politician was the same as today’s…talk about dinosaurs ! Politicians are the living fossils of the human race. However, it is the Mod who is the most telling in this movie. The Mod is Bullitt’s girlfriend. She wears a kicky mini dress with boots drives a sports car (I could not tell if it was a Porsche or a Carmine Ghia) convertible. The Mods, for the most part, embraced the sexual revolution so GF sleeps with Bullitt but she is strictly an establishment woman. Some Mods could embrace the ideology of Hippies but not many did. She did embrace the Mod ideals of staying aloof from the real world of the poor, the non establishment peoples. She even tells Bullitt after she sees the dead woman in the motel that he lives in the sewer and is becoming calloused by the misery of the real world of the police detectives. She knows it is there but choses to ignore it. She lives her life with out much care for others outside her sphere. These Mods are the young people who later became the politicians they were already establishment. They were fossils with groovy clothes and haircuts. They already felt entitled to their comforts and way of life.
Hippies wanted to change the status quo, to make the air clean, water clean, and love everyone like brothers. They took hold and that is why we have the EPA( or rather had) and the various other nice things that helped everyone not just the rich. We got Medicare during these times and many other social services. As an aside the vaccine for Mumps was the new health thing in 1968.
Even though the mantra for Hippies was tune in & drop out, we all could see the problems in the world as solvable. With effort we could clean the air( we did) with effort we could create equality… we were stopped by the fossils and establishment since that would cost them prestige and money. Many hippies sold out and joined the Mods in spirit but kept the jeans and house plants. Few Mods joined the ideals of a new world nice for everyone. They were selfish then and are even more selfish today.
I can watch the movie a few more times and take notes to expand this essay but what would be the point? Hippies lost the war of life and the Mods took over. Now we live in Trumpistan( I have moved to Kafkaistan)
I just wanted to share this revelation with you. The world would have been a much nicer place if the Hippies had won.

Saturday, April 29, 2017


In these times of uncertainty, and lets face it all times are uncertain, the best thing to have is your own home. A safe harbor to cocoon in, fix your way and just be. Another wonderful thing is natural beauty coupled with the amenities of a charming village. Four seasons is also a way to connect with nature. You will find a new and improved rhythm of life knowing to each thing there is a season and each season has its work and its pleasures.
Houses are very expensive in the USA, except in places with nothing going for them…or is that just a fallacy? Big city life is nice. I have lived in some wonderful big cities. However there is great charm of nature civilized. By Nature Civilized I mean all the beauty of the natural world married with the needs of a modern life.
If your habits are not beyond your means then this opportunity is for you!
Water front property on two sides, parks on the third, and a decent road in front. All this with in walking distance to everything: grocery store, post office, restaurants, doctors, more parks, and shopping for stuff. There is high speed internet, cable TV, cell phone service. Be connected to the outside world with out the outside world pounding on your door.
What is the marvelous opportunity am I writing about? 100 Main Street Milbridge, Maine. An 1880s original duplex on nearly an acre in town with water views, park views, wildlife views…… Live in one side and rent out the other side full time or seasonally for your income.
If you have some skills in handyman stuff you will find lots of work here to add to your income. If you have some trade or other skill that requires an office there is a place to have it in you home. Are you a psychologist? An artist? A writer? A tailor? A candle maker? Then you have space to be. To do you job from home.
If you are tired of the rat race, and let’s face it the rats are winning, then downsizing with out down grading is a great option.
The link to the duplex is provided.
But before you say no just think of the possibilities of a calmer life. A life where you can call you own shots. Watch the Canadian geese from your windows, and the many other shore birds from every window and just marvel at the migration. Hear the laughing gulls, Smell the salt air…which, by the way, is a real tonic for the soul!
The welcome you will get in this DownEast village will not be like an outsider….why? You will be living in a famous home. Everyone in town has been in these duplexes as children, residents, or visitors. When the Coast Guard /Navy had a bigger presents in this area these homes were lived in by the many families who were military stationed here. 100 Main St is not a converted old house to be a duplex but built as a duplex for the people who lived and worked in this once bustling community. You will meet people and let them know where you live that you bought this property and they will smile and tell you how wonderful….This does not happen in every small town. It will happen here in Milbridge.
Can you decide what kind of life you want to live or are you a slave to the times? Are you adventurous and want to experience life before you rot in place in some suburb or studio apartment in the big city. Do you really like to see water and hear birds and get to know people? Then 100 Main St is for you. It is not just a dream but can be your reality. It just depends on how you treat yourself. Are you the Queen or King of your life or the slave of someone else?


Friday, March 3, 2017

Lenten Season

After these many weeks of this election cycle results I have run out of words that convert my disgust with those elected and appointment people. My normal vocabulary of epitaphs, cuss words ( foreign and domestic) no longer serve the purpose.They have gotten old and leave me with a feeling of being vulgar. So in this Lenten season I want to cease with the impotent slang language, since it is not helping my mood anyway.
I have used this term for several years(decades? I am old so I forget) I coined another word well over a decade ago "Stompy" and it still serves its usefulness.
So here is my word for those who wish to use it:

Nutmeg Carver:
noun…… a person who, with the intent to cheat which actions, words, or tangible items falsifies, misleads or other wise misrepresents his/her intentions or goods with the purpose to fraud, commit fraud, or encourage fraud on unsuspecting people, public, or audience. Not to be confused with a magician who is an honorable performer to entertain.
The phrase comes from colonial days of families and /or individuals who would spend their winter down time carving wood knots so they would resemble nutmegs. The person or persons would then add the fake nutmegs( “salt the batch of nutmegs) to real nutmegs and sell them all as genuine nutmegs to the unsuspecting person.
It is a premeditated action. Done with the full intent to lie, cheat, and steal from trusting people who have no way to test the veracity of the seller’s product, claims, or promises.
To be a nutmeg carver is a very dishonorable thing and odious insult to be called.

Nutmeg carving....the action of committing fraud or lies and such knowingly.

used in a sentence..........Those writers of the speech are very good at nutmeg carving.

Carving the nutmeg(s) the action in progress of lying or otherwise being false.

Used in a sentence......Kellyanne was really carving the nutmegs during that interview.

Carved Nutmeg something discovered to be false, a lie, or misrepresented to the point of being ridiculous.

used in a sentence........This action certainly turned into a carved nutmeg.

Feel free to expand of this idea.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Life after the fall of America

I have been contemplating an essay after the Trump win. I am seeing in this first few days the sharp decline of compassion and common sense. I will be writing more later. However I wanted to start the set of ideas in motions now. So far I have not seen ONE republican show any concern for what these executive orders are doing to the fabric of what was the United States of America. This can only be because not one Republican cares are this planet, peace, non billionaire people AKA serfs. I think I could never be in the same room as a person who s a republican ever again. The lies and hatred they embrace is sickening to me. No one who supports this person, now the Il Duce of this once nice country can be anything but walking hatred and evil. Il Duce Trump showed his cruelty and evil ness in one bill that he has tabled and that is all I need to see in order to judge his lack of Character. Of course he does not care what I think and not one republican will care what I think. I print this just because I still can.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

I Will Die

I am going to die. I am terminal and there is no time frame. It can come tonight or next year or next week. But I am going to die sooner than I thought. I am not ill. This past year has shown me that age makes no difference when we die. Relatives life span makes no difference when we will die. Even lifestyle habits will make no difference when I will kick the bucket.
I have been told, lovingly suggested, to declutter my life. Toss the flotsam and jetsam that surround me, pare down my stuff. I have lots of stuff. I have lots of clothes. I am planning on wearing a sari more often so I have several of those too. I need to delete possessions.
I hope I can learn to take a picture, post it, then toss in the trash the items of my life….. the milestones of this long journey that is my life.
My biggest obstacle in decluttering my life is where to put the items still useable. There is no place except the trash here in the wilderness. This past Christmas could be my last and I need to divest myself of decorations. They are no regular ornaments but all unique…..beautiful…..
So many memories are there. However it is not as much as their memories as their intrinsic beauty that I keep them. I can not deep six beautiful things.
My mind races with ideas on how to keep them, use them see them everyday without looking like or becoming a hoarder.
I used to play a game on what I would pack in my backpack if I had to leave earth like in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. What would I want with me always…
Now that I am dying I can not take anything with me. I fear living in an empty space devoid of color and beauty until then. I have see very old people grow indifferent to their surroundings and only worry about their next poop. I refuse to live that way. And I will not.
So I need to divest myself of what has defined who I am all these years. It is the memories and the experiences with people that matter I am told. But……But I learned through the painful experiences in my life that people betray, lie, hurt, steal and otherwise try to make a life miserable because they can. Whereas stuff, those items of beauty that I am surrounded with have never betrayed me, harmed me. I am not a hoarder. I know when I have enough of a thing I collected.
So I am dying and I need to make those that will roll up my carpet lives easier since they will be the ones driving to the land fill.