a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

We All Can Crack

I read a headline today about Sinead O'Connor and a FaceBook video she made in the pain of a mental event( my interpretation) . I looked at the comments. I take the pulse of Humanity with the comments of all the social media.
A lot of people have little to no sympathy nor compassion since she is is celebrity and is therefore wealthy beyond belief. She is also controversial so the sympathy gauge is even lower. This shows how morally bankrupt we as a species can be. There is no religion that says I got mine and the hell with you …except maybe the Trumpsters, Republicans, and assorted Ayn Randers( who also call themselves Libertarians ) that I have come across. I need to include the new age Christians too. They are the epitome of to hell with you I got mine group.
However this has little to do with those people but a lot to do with what I have seen in my great many years.
I am my brother’s ( and sister’s) keeper from a social welfare standpoint. How many cliches can I conjure on this topic? There but for the grace of god go I? Comes to mind. Many times a day while reading the horror show of this world online I think that.
I currently live in a country that could not care less about the welfare of its residents if it tried. All the movers and shakers of this once great nations give zero fucks about anyone except themselves. A few like the president would throw their own offering under the bus to save their skin as demonstrated just recently. These people set the tempo of life here, and the sheeple follow in turn with a hard heart and I got mine to hell with you attitude all along down the line.
To get pleasure from another’s suffering gives many great pleasure . Ms O’Conner’ pain is nothing new. It is new blood for the vampires. I have seen this for a long time.

I grew up in a big city. I knew, as a family friend, my godfather, my father’s oldest and closest friend, a man who was the most famous in the city. Everyone with-in 100+ miles knew of him, listened to him or watched his TV show……for decades. Yet he was isolated in his fame as I am certain Ms O’Connor is now. Yes he drank, had many marriages and escapades that decorated the news papers and airwaves, that entertained those who never met him but certainly were in awe of him. Yes he shoved people away from him except my father and mother …and me since I had become an adult under his eyes. He was best man at my parents wedding 66 years ago. He brought my mother and me home from the hospital when I was born since Dad was at sea and near Okinawa. Home then was a hotel room, I slept in a drawer for a few months until Dad arrived home and then some time longer since rentals were hard to come by even then post war. So I knew this man from before birth.
Lots of interesting stuff can go here but will not. Let me just say say I was the last person my uncle talked to on the phone before he died. Whether he killed himself or not is still speculation. But accidental is I think the term used. We talked for about an hour. He wanted to talk to Dad but dad was out at the time and since we had interesting conversations in the past we chatted. He asked how my poetry was coming along -he liked what I wrote- what was going on in my life. Telling me someday the right man will discover me as a jewel and hold me tight.

He was alone and knew he had pushed several people away, and many more people drifted away because he could no longer supply them with his celebrity fallout. His aura of fame and andaz ( personal style) was sought after by those who feed off others. Fame/celebrity whores are all over, those sycophants who push the booze, the drugs, who go along and encourage the hair brain ideas the the famous conjure up in the rarefied air of manic fame. I know how it works. I saw it from the outside; moreover I saw it from the inside and knew the dangers, I saw the deceit, the lies, the harm others would do to the gentle souls, those delicate personalities who seem larger than life but are as fragile as an egg shell.

After a few years their shells are crazed all over and it takes nearly nothing for their shells to crack. Sinead O’Connor is one of those souls who felt so intensely and now her shell is crazed and cracking. And those who hate the celebrities they worship are the first ones in line to beat on the shell harder to crack it open with glee….shameful glee….that shows their bankrupt personalities.
Our world is bankrupt and many more people live in the poverty of the soul with out feelings, compassion or the least care for another living creature. It looks like the leaders of our earth are this way and many of us peasants like to emulate them….It is hard to swim against the tide of what little humanity is therewith out drowning. I could follow the tide of what is going on….but no….my soul is still intact….and yes there needs to be more help from the governments for health ( mental and physical ) for we the people. We the people no longer have the wealth and never really did to stop our lives and take time to heal. We are all not the same, many of us are not that strong and our shells are crazed ready to crack…..

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Needed ...A Change is Society

I am inspired by an article I read on the internet about opioid addicted babies being treated with music therapy .....
What the hell have we devolved to?
In my youth unwed mothers were shamed and sent to a home and forced to give their babies away. The fathers were ignored and the onus of the birth and life of that baby fell on a poor young girl or young woman. Many times her family disowned her and she was as abandoned as her baby.
We, as a society, fixed that. We did not want shame on these women since birth control was non-existent, in many cases abortion was illegal and expensive when the back ally abortionist was found. The woman could end up dead as well as the baby. We as a society changed that. We took the cruel stigma away...on a whole a good thing.
It is still a tenuous right and many states have gone backward and are embracing their fear and loathing of women.
We were asked to no longer judge these unfortunate women. Also a good thing.

However today we are so far away from personal responsibility, personal shame in our stupid actions that no one is learning from the mistakes of others. We are told not to judge. Well I say phooey and it is about time to judge, time to revive personal responsibility, time to demand accountability of all of us.
If Drugs are the problem in a person's life then let us revive the term junkie. Since every one I know who "has a problem with drugs" is really a junkie, let us call them that. Drugs were cheap when I was young. They are not cheap now ...so these junkies really need to steal or whatever to get the money to get their high. We accept that So and So has a problem....excuse me we are the ones with the problem we are the ones who get burgled, see our relatives in squalor strung out and sick. We bring them in to clean up only to have our car stolen, the kids piggy bank broken into, and all the jewelry taken to pawn for another joyride of good times. ENOUGH.
If a woman who wants to be a junkie, that first time taking the drug of choice is what? A CHOICE! So be it but, no woman need get pregnant & bring a addicted baby into the world to be taken poorly care of by her, family or the state.
That addicted baby will have problems all its life. I had a cousin with fetal alcohol syndrome since his mother could not lay off the booze to ensure that child had at least an even chance. She never raised him after he was born either. But that is another chapter.

As a society we need to legalize & regulate recreational drugs. Illegal drugs are a multi-Billion dollar industry here in the US, has caused horrific crimes in dozens of supplying countries. Once the huge profits are removed then we can settle in to seeking the answers to why are these people wanting to get loaded all the time. As for the women they have a special burden of reproduction. All women who are doing drugs, who are junkies need to be either sterilized or implanted with Pregnancy control. Do not call it birth control call it Pregnancy control. No woman who is not ready and wanting to give up her life for her child should be having babies. If they have babies because of welfare that is another reason for better education and vocational training and a Universal Basic Income. No child should be a persons meal ticket. Foster care is also a big business riddled with abuse. No child should be poorly cared for in this world or this nation.

We changed how society responds before; now it the real test to change for the good of all so I do not need to read about addicted newborn babies who did not ask for life, BUT society forced it to have life. Then what? Abandons it to the wolves to live in poverty, want, hunger, and fear...some compassion that it and I say PHOOEY on that fake right to life people when that is just torture for their life. We need to change and we need to do it now.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Three Castes of Americans

We have an interesting Caste system here in the US. We have the Rich Elite, The Educated Elite and The Ignorant Peasant. The most mobile caste is the Ignorant Peasant. Once a person is in the Rich Elite there is no incentive for anything but power and dominance over the IP and the EE. The EE are stuck in their class since they know too much to be trusted by the RE and the IP are unaware of the power the EE could have.

The Rich Elite are those who were handed money at birth and a few lucky jerks who had an idea and bulldozed it into society and were successful.... Jeff Bezos, Gates and that guy who gave us Apple come to mind. The Old Monied families are dinosaurs and extinct they were the ones who had some level of duty to those less lucky than themselves Kennedy, Roosevelt, come to mind, to do public service for the greater good.

The Educated Elites are a mixed income group. Well read, paid attention in school, learned critical thinking skills and practice them. I am in that group. By the time I was able to afford to go to university I had already read the books, novels and other publications that allowed me to sail through university honing my knowledge, learning research techniques...I was fine tuning what I had done on my own.

Ignorant Peasants can be wealthy we have prime examples today...Trump, DeVos (and everyone else in Trumps circle)
as well as all those who voted and support republicans who are not wealthy now. IPs have few manners but manners as in knowledge are acquirable to those who want them ...all for free.

The most mobil caste is the Ignorant Peasant since to learn stuff is free....there just needs the desire. Every town in the States has a library or at least one close by. If this backward state I live in has libraries all over then most other places have libraries. The IP can be extreme trash and have no desire to read beyond the National Enquirer and watch FOX and the garbage on their cable or they can be readers of books. IPs come in all income groups, all races, genders, religions. Many IPs are willfully ignorant, revel in their ignorance as we see on TV and hear on Talk radio.....preachers, bullies, O'Reilly, that loudmouth lout whats his name, Kellyanne Conway....et al. IPs are all genders female, male, and trans. Since IPs are willful they can rise from one Caste to another.

A Few will go into the EE...many are driven by greed and happily step on everyone to get rich or whine in their poverty and suck lemons, scowl at every one with bits of ambition. They are genius at excuses for their lot in life. My daddy done it so will I. Or at least I am no {insert ethnic slur here} and feel superior to anyone they have no right to feel better than...... The REIPs cater to this group of their fellow IP. They are bread and butter of these vampires. They suck the marrow from the ignorant peasants and while telling the IP how bad they have it and they can fix it. IPs are either the laziest or the most ambitious of the castes.....I know many in this caste some are pleasant enough.....but the aura of common sense is missing...
So there is my opinion. I was born into the EE caste alas my sibling chose to move to the IP. Our caste system is mobile. These castes have nothing to do with income or money. Castes never did. SO which one are you in?

Monday, June 19, 2017

We Need to Feel Sad and Grieve

An actor I admired from my favorite TV series died a day or so ago. The public announcement coming from the family asked us not to feel sad or grieve but remember his comedy and his joy of making people laugh....Sounds OK, innocent enough... However; I just lost a dear one and the loss cuts me like a knife. And this loss also cuts me.....we need to feel sad and grieve for the loss of a life that touched us. We can rejoice in their memory of laughter a little later on but now we need to feel our sadness.

It is a good thing to feel the loss, to feel the pain, to mourn. Later (some sooner some later) I can enjoy the happy memories but now I do not have that being in my life and there is a HOLE where they used to be. Even when I did not personally know the departed one Their life touched my life and I feel the loss. I was devastated when my favorite author died suddenly, I feel the loss of another favorite author who also died too young and could not continue to create. Selfish? Maybe but that was their joy and their life was cut short.

In order to value life we must mourn the losses or life becomes disposable and we see that everyday. We are disposable all the life on earth is treated as so much surplus trash to quickly get rid of. That is why we continue with wars and hate filled rhetoric spree like open sewer pipes from the religious, politicians, and "average citizens". We need to feel sorrow in order to feel joy. And we need to be allowed to feel our sorrow. If we do not mark a life passing with tears, sorrow, a keen sense of loss, then that life had no meaning. It means we did not value that life.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017


When one is a displaced person nowhere is ever home. We know no one here, there is no family, and those that we do meet there is a strange desire to cling fast...yet we hold back because we know we will be disappointed ....and that is true..... hold back and when we do venture a test footings we are never disappointed. We stay the "other". That is why people from other places tend to clump together, even when, if they were in your home town, they would never be desired for friends but the shared fear, the shared isolation, the feeling of being "other" allows the standards to be dropped and welcomes anyone who knows who you are. That is one reason we love our pets and we fuss about getting them to be with us no matter where we end up. That cat or dog is family and is there with us being company during the long dark times when the only people you know are those your pay. We can never go back, we can not stay here. The situation is still the same as when we became refugees. Two things happen one clings to stuff since stuff is never judgmental, it never disappoints and it is always there when needed. Like the fallen friends before we were displaced. Some traditions are kept close while other tradition need to be tossed aside as too much baggage for the journey. The second is fear. fear of loosing what we have left, each other, what little health and becoming helpless in a strange and for all intents and purposes hostile land. We will be the first to be singled out since we are not from here.
One thing that many will find odd or bizarre is when one of out pets dies there is the anxiety of having to leave their bones behind when we realize that this place is not our place to settle. We will never be able to visit a grave, like we can not visit our parents graves, our friends from the life we once had.
It is this that makes grief that much more intense.
Other......I enjoy the scenery, the weather is not bad.....but I know it can not become home since that choice has been denied us....we still need to go a little farther down the road, further still until be too die but then our bones can rest since we are back to the beginning ......

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Always On the Wrong Side

I am full of grief today but I will not write about why. I am also full of shame, more grief over the way this, my country, has turned to the dark side.
I was born in a double whammy out of favor set of minority ethnic stuff. I had no choice it was the gift from my parents. I coped the best I could. This coping lead to a secretive nature, loner, quiet child. I am still all the above. I was another even worse minority for neatly 40 years but I was able to get rid of that but I did not really it still follows me. What I never did was feel indifferent to others. I saw people as people and wanted for them what I wanted for myself. I am a generous person I share. I am always, even after this whole life I have I lived, surprised when I meet people who begrudged others crumbs from their table. I am well off in a sense my house is paid for, I am independently lower class. That is like independently wealthy but not much money to throw around, still the need to watch the pennies and such.

However, I no longer need to endure the crap of the right to work states, the nasty supervisors and the overt/covert discrimination that dogged my working life.
I have developed strong dislikes over the time of my life for certain attitudes and the ones that appalls me the most are: I got mine the hell with you attitude...if one is poor they deserve it since I am not poor I worked for what I have...; and all the similar attitudes that plague this country. I especially dislike libertarians, and of course republicans...don't get your knickers in a bunch I am not fond of the current incarnation of the democrats either.

Many of you can walk by a homeless person with out seeing them...no one asked why people have no home no room.....no food..nothing but what the scrounge on the streets. Many are veterans. I remember when the god Reagan emptied all the mental institutions in the 1970s he put people on busses with a one way ticket and a few days worth of medication to the last address of the last relative on the records...some of those records had not been updated for decades....Of course these outcasts got off the bus wherever and had to cope...they coped by living on the streets.....1000s of people were cast out in the name of money. I hate Reagan and glad he suffered in his last years.

I am sad for the fall of empire of the USA. It will never recover from the current Trump and Republican regime. Morality lost, humanity lost, anything altruistic lost last November....And what is the most horrifying change that has occurred is how few people see this spiral down into the abyss of the neofascist united states of america as a bad thing. So many people think this is a good thing. And too many blame Russia for interference....they are not the problem really, the "interference" was welcomed by the republicans! It was not a surprise to them that is why they are not concerned about the events of this first 6 months of Trump.

This is why I grieve, this is why I feel shame....I saw it coming. I wrote about it. Many others see it now...but now is too late to save the old America....we need to create a new america out of the ashes yet to come..... will any of us survive these coming 4 years? It is not trump anymore the people are in place no matter how many people get ousted, impeached, disappeared, the line of succession is full of trumps and worse! Welcome to the end of the line.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Nothing Real only Hype

So I risked my health last night and took a benadryl for this awful allergic reaction I have been dealing with for over a week.....with in 20 minutes I was breathing and not coughing. My joint pains went away and my swollen feet went back to normal feet. Yes I get a massive reaction to certain chemicals used in common products. I just spent a few hours reading or rather chasing a Will-o'-the-wisp for some real information something yes or no would help; I could not find much on the NO DON"T TAKE IT YOU WILL LOSE YOUR MIND verses sure take it it won't hurt...and lots of nothing in between. Now that I have reached that magic age of imminent death I am concerned since I refuse to linger like a useless sponge like OO. But I still feel at least young in heart and mind...the bottom line is there is no bottom line. I do not take it to sleep but to not die from anaphylaxis, or rather a milder form of it which is still pretty freaking bad too.

I do not consider me an old fashioned old person like those I knew in my youth. I look better, I eat fairly healthy don't smoke or drink. Yet after menopause things in the body does change so why would not other things also change in old people? There is not much really out there about Boomer old people. We are all over the place. I know people younger than me are all granniefied and settled in their ways, I know a lot who have died before they got to the age I am now...my own father never made it past 58. And I know old people my age who are truckin' along with just a few roadside reminders that we ain't 30 anymore. The absolute terror of this age is not knowing when we will pop off. S many have died in this last 18 months that I have become concerned .....am I just a heart beat from dropping dead? Should I start to downsize my stuff since there is no one to leave it too? Do I need more stuff? You know different stuff. I do not want an old persons house decor.....how gawdawful that would be all that crocheted TP roll holders, collector plates and figurine, and such.... yuck I did not like hat stuff way back when I was young and I certainly have not developed a taste for it now.

Not only do I now need to worry about dropping dead, but the only medicine that keeps me from dropping dead when the allergy hits is suppose to give me Alzheimer's or dementia too boot( yes I said too boot! bite me!). As I was saying I was chasing down some real information and found next to none. Everyone said to talk to your doctor... doctors are nice and all, but they do not have time to run down all this information like I do. And I can see most of what they can read also. I will continue to take As Needed benadryl so I can not die of this allergic reaction. I will stay well informed of health issues and just try to not die yet and not become a sponge either....there has to be the right time to kick off. I just am not sure when that is.