a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Friday, May 25, 2018

End Time

The very hardest thing to come to terms with is when the love of your life has reached a time in his life where your love becomes a burden…not that they cease to love you but when that loves adds to their burden of life when they are developing health issues and end of life issues. Needing to tend to another’s needs for the closeness, the companionship takes energy away from their ability to tend to their needs. 
When I realized that I am now, my love is now, a burden, of course I felt rejected, hurt, and crushed to my very marrow. I cried and still tear up with undefinable grief at the thought with me so old so close to my own demise, all alone. I always wanted to be loved, to belong somewhere, to some one. I know I belong to me, however to quote a character from my favorite modern novel the silent reason Hild chose to buy the slave, the body woman was because “she can not leave me” since all her family, friends have had to leave her. No one thought about the emotional pain Hild was going through. I am like that only not the Light of anyone.  I am just an ordinary person living in interesting times.
I am not in a place that I can call home except my things are here with me and a few cats. The cats are also a burden to me since leaving here means I need to take them….but leave I must. I have a place will take a few days with a helper to move all the items of  my life from one full packed room into the empty house, now finished and now ready to be lived in, by me, and it looks like alone with a few cats. This also causes me untold grief at this time in my life.  Finding a helper in a strange land is no easy task, either. To enter older age alone is not how I envisioned me. I tried so hard to develop some sort of social safety network with those people I loved once,  to share a home together…but each of those people I approached to this subject refused and seemed insulted. I lated found out that the “love” the “friendship” professed was not real just the result that I had more money to spend on them. That caused me new heartache. It has been years to get through that pain….now I have new pain, more profound pain since my life partner is also needing to pull away for his needs that I can not be of help. 

For 16 years I have been a refugee. The only things of comfort were the things I could surround me in the temporary places I lived, the cats that came with me, the person who loved me. I could deal with the hardships when my little circle was complete. Now the circle is broken and I need to walk away….alone…forever….at least my forever is not that many years now.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

The Real Problem

It is not guns, it is not drugs, it is not any of the symptoms of a decayed country that is the cause of the violence in the US and apparently around the world. It is Society,  people, average citizens. It is apathy and selfishness so extreme that it looks like save yourself while stomping over others also running.  From whom are we running ? The shooters? The drug dealers ( and please include the doctors in this category) who is at fault for this failing country( I will stay with the USA since the models fits every where else).
As a species we really are pathetic now a days. We are so xenophobic that the slightest divination for an artificial norm and people freak out and go nuts.
Then there are the ultra rich who are not the least bit enlightened nor educated nor fully human with the traits that define humanity. These people have become so rich ( FEW on their own merit and work) that their most deviant, depraved, and immoral thoughts and desires can and do turn in to actions of monumental proportions afflicting the poor people around them and where ever they can cause havoc in the lives of others who have no recourse nor protection  .... much like the stories of the ancient barons, counts, and other aristocracy who wrought havoc in the countryside. Now the ultra rich who seem to be above any law civil or moral have been working towards their perverse desires. It has been going on for a few decades now....these perverted people who are now old, have moved into the political circles and bought as many of the politicians as they can. It will be easier to count those not bought than those owned outright and are in thrall to their masters.
As for guns, yes they are weapons.....however it is not the weapon that kills it is the Society that allows violence to become normal, acceptable and excusable. Those who can change this all are also in thrall to their leaders no reasonable republican nor democrat wants children murdered in school. However we have no more reason no more sense  in either party. Both have sold out and Society....the voters are OK with this or why would deplorable people continue to be elected? It is the greedy and selfish voter who covets their money so much  that even they very hint of paying taxes makes their head cloud up and and and all compassion and sense is erased. Of course until they are affected it becomes another story they become angry that THEY are now victimized by their own desires for others to suffer.
 Corporations are the greediest of all, no matter the human cost they crave profits above all else.  They buy companies not for the product they create but for the profit they create or the way to transfer debt then that new company can die ex. Toys R Us and a hundred other companies, that have shuttered their doors not from lack of customers but from corporate maneuvers to transfer debt and make money. Move jobs over seas...not to help a struggling country gain employment but to penalize American workers who want a living wage and to exploit the need for work in the another country that will work for less because their standard of living is 70 years behind the USA's standard of living.
All this has contributed to the stress and anger of regular people. Many people have always been living on the mental edge of breakdown. Some turn to drugs to ease the pain; some have pain from the work they had to do to keep a roof over their head, some served this country in the corporate wars and were discarded once they can no longer serve mammon. Drugs are a way to escape the mental and physical pain.
Some lash out at the boot of injustice crushing their neck we call them terrorists.  Some lash out to society to hurt those who have caused them their pain. Many innocents die. Then many more creators of violence are born the moment they see no justice exists in this world. We are told to pray to god and told a better world awaits us after death. AND THAT IS THE CRUX of the international problem of violence .....we need to die to have a better life. If that does not cause us pause, it that does not give us a what the crap are you talking about moment then you are the problem. We only have this one life,( even if there is reincarnation we still have only one life at a time.....)
So those who tell us to pray and believe have fostered this violence with their sanguine apathy of better things to come. While of course they live a fat bountiful full life of good times, good food,  regal shelter, and enough clothes to not be in rags....
The rich who prey on the poor and suck their life's blood and then those poor deluded ones who think this life in unimportant and something better will await..... They work hand in hand to make the vast majority of other lives suffer.  The rich love the perverse sadistic suffering and they have convinced  the like minded, though too poor, to indulge in their sadistic ways. While the religious are working with an incomplete set of cards trying to play the game where there are no winners only losers. This is a wonderful world humans have created.....and some of us humans see this and despair and those of us who see this transcend despair and try hard to opt out......
Society at large is the problem ...full of their greed, lust, perversity and all the horrors the humans mind can create and think to inflict on those with no recourse no protector.....until one day the people become the mob like in the France or Russia and revolt .........but that will not happen......too many people are OK with they status quo. Sad ......

Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy New Year reflections past and future

I have been thinking along these lines from many years. I have been able to coalesce my thoughts into words.....We are constantly assaulted by "religious" people about how we(not them) should be living. However if we look at their lives we see something remarkable and it is not hypocrisy. The religious who yell the loudest, who act out the most cruel and violent that looks like to be against the teachings of their various religions have a deep secret...they know there is no god or punishment awaiting them when they die.
Unlike a real atheist who understands this concept of this time is the only time we have and doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do;  those who keep this secret use it to do evil deeds....the only thing that kept many people from doing wrong actions was the fear of punishment. Since there is no punishment these sociopaths act to their most base and vile desires. We see it every day now that trump has shown his hand and his stable of like minded people put into places best suited to destroy programs and benefits to the vast majority of this country and the world. --At this point of writing I have not read the news so I do not know if the republicans are starting another war profiteer event.-- A person need only read the boiled down version of any religion to see the similarities of doctrine and the opposite of the behavior of those who profess the loudest their "faith". Those who do not live their lives according to their religion simple do not believe in the the fundamentals that is the foundation of their religion -reward( Heaven) and punishment (Hell) for their behavior against the teachings of their religions. They know there will be no punishment and don't care about reward since there is none.  They can wallow in money and luxury and watch with out feelings the millions who suffer from their actions.  What reason for remorse? Why feel shame or compassion since I can do anything without punishment in the hereafter. Since many people have a firm ( or firm-ish) of faith in the reward and punishment part of religion, this is enough to keep many in line. Those who harbor this secret of the great nothing afterwards flock to the "god wants you rich" evangelicals or "lets kill people" factions of the various religions.
Many with this secret bury it very deeply and look pious on the outside but actions.... Actions tell louder than words. How many times have you heard do as I say not as I do from parents of others when as a child we are to be trained to be a decent human being? We hear the Ends Justify the Means. The list of contrary advice is legendary.
Many of us thinking people, compassionate people,  are horrified at the turn of events with trump, and really it began in earnest with Reagan and the neo-republicans this not caring about others to the point  of making people suffer as a matter of policy. Those who are of the same sociopathic bent flock to this. Support this. Encourage it.
So this is my great revelation. These mean people ( and please look up the word for all its glory) like the Koch brothers, Trump, Pence and every one of the republican elected people and their electorate have this same deep seated secret. They do to others what they want to do because they want to be cruel nothing more They get pleasure from their cruelty; of course this in nothing new in the history of humans. What is sad is too many people are afraid to rise up for the common good and toss these sociopaths on the gallows/ bonfires,  because they think they will be "punished by god and denied heaven" Sorry folks but we are to make Heaven on earth NOW.
Happy New Year

Thursday, December 28, 2017

The Juggernaut is at Speed

There are fewer, I should use the word less,  people who are honest, kind, and considerate than not in the world. I say less since people seems to be uncountable as a whole species. I have not found an honest worker(except Daisy) in over five years of living here in the Nutmegcarver state. I hate here.  However, I am throughly stuck here with no means of escape at this time. Winter showed up early and brought its brother from last year who was MIA. I have only one frozen water pipe ....the hot water to the kitchen sink.The kitchen sink is in the wrong ( and STUPID) place to begin with. I hope the previous owners who did this rot in hell.  And the dishonest workers I have encountered in the past 5 years can die a lousy death. My kindhearted nature ends when I am cheated with malice aforethought.
I have not read one shred of nice or good news in 16 years since this country took the final path to fascism. I said it was coming and since I said it on the internet it is  still out there. Now that the mainstream white folks are being included in the purge to oblivion they have awaken. So what. Nothing can change now at all. It is the juggernaut and nothing stops the momentum which began in earnest during Reagan reign. Clinton was not the change for the better in the ways that are effecting us now, nor was Obama.
In some window dressing the democrats have tried, but the smell of money the pull of greed has turned all the elected officials, elected to the public trust by the way, in to the enemy of the people and to the state. Few elected congressmen and senators are with-out treasonous actions on their hands. No matter how much they wrap the flag around their naked greed it can not cover it up. No one's hands are clean. And that is the sadness of this failed state, this mutation of what once was...and just barely at that. Everything this country tried to do for the welfare of the people has been and is being destroyed or tainted. There are no leaders who want to help the country, i.e.. the people. We are all not wealthy and in fact fewer people are wealthy than not. However there are many,  many people who are happy with what is going on. So happy in fact that they spent lots of money for this holiday season.  Bully for them. It seems few people really care about others and therefore who cares if others will suffer with the new order of the new country we have become.
We are not a Christian country nor any other religion....since every religion originally wanted peace and  to love one another, yet every follower of those religions have fallen down because they all think the best in life is yet to come in death so why worry about life today. Thanks religion for your abomination of whatever those poor prophets were yapping about that got misdirected because people just can't leave the greed and avarice alone .....thanks for nothing.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Say Goodbye to Walmart Online Shopping

I live a long way from Walmart. To just do some shopping is a three hour or more( usually more like 4 hours) adventure and a real hardship too boot. I can not just pop over to this megabilliondollarprofit corporation on a whim. When I saw I could buy online and have things delivered, I thought well this will be OK living in the hinterlands and being a 24/7 caregiver. So for several years I was able to order what I needed and have it delivered to my home. A real boon during the snowy winters. I had no one to people sit for me while off on a three hour( if only 3 hours) expedition to buy toilet paper and laundry detergent and the like...then haul it in to the house up a flight of steps.....
But Walmart does not want me to shop online. Walmart does not want anyone to shop online with out being gouged for the "privilege'. Everything I normally bought has had a price increase of breathtaking amounts! One third to two thirds more!!Their online prices are closer to the price gouging of Amazon's! I will say good buy to Walmart....I do not like Amazon much better but Walmart lured us in with their low prices since they know our incomes have stagnated and many times have been reduced  now they, being part of the oligarchy, want even more blood from the peasants. Walmart fueled the exodus from US manufacturing jobs to China cutting our wages even more. They prey on those who have little to begin with. They make devil deals with small towns to not pay taxes for a set period of time then when that time they move on down the road leaving  ugly huge useless buildings in their wake, and loss of jobs. The US is or rather has gone to hell for the lowers income classes of us free range serfs. Walmart just want to destroy other businesses and hold us in thrall as the only freaking place to shop in the rural states and rural areas. So much hatred  for those who made them the billionaires they are today.  So much for thinking this country was a nice place....this year has proven the illusion is not even there unless one has deluded themselves. So now my income has bee lowered by at least one third since my costs have been raised by that amount all for the avarice of Walmart.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Traveling Mirror

This will not be popular with Americans until they really think hard about what I have written. But Americans are cowards. They have never seen war on their soil since the civil war and no one is alive to even have had a grandparent to reminisce about the the Civil War. Yet so many are frothing at the mouth in anticipation to have more wars especially with North Korea. We have several going now accomplishing Nothing but bringing back wounded, dead, and broken military people. Spending our taxes to no end but war profits. The Pentagon now wants to invade N.Korea, Trump is all for it, I am sure, as are all the republican cowards who are hyperventilating all over Face Book for the supremacy of the American way. I would call them idiots but that is too soft a term.  America is not the ruler of the world and nor should it be. We came out on top after WW2 for only one reason…we were the only country left with an intact infrastructure, manufacturing capabilities, and cold hard cash. Our country was not touch by one bomb. Not once city was in ruins. All our citizens were well fed and comfortable no matter how much hardship the grandparents want to portray their war years. We had educated, healthy people to gear up to supply the world devastated by the war of nearly 10 years.
Our women worked in factories not fighting for their country with guns and starvation hiding in cellars and bombed out buildings.
We had it tough, yeah right.
Sorry folks we came out on top through luck that the businessmen here were thwarted by the plan of FDR to enter the war and not make a deal with Hitler. Even Trump’s father was frothing at the mouth to make some sweet deals once England fell.

So until war is here and WE THE PEOPLE really know suffering on our soil we are cowards to demand war in every part of the world for business profits…that is all it is… Profits.  Lots and lots of money to feed the billionaires while they break the backs of the common people here who are so stupid as to believe all the crap put out by the republicans and the so called conservative media. They are all for a war since they will make money. Hell they do not even care about the wounded who come back from the various wars we are engaged in now. Just open your eyes and really see how pathetic we have become. We had a chance to be a great country but decided money was god the father, god the son and god the holy spirit…..pathetic.

Monday, October 23, 2017

It will never end

Since I needed to shop today [and I feel much better thank-you]  I saw what I have been looking for  for well over a year. I am glad to find it but it make my pet peeve livid and he is out of control again. I really hate this capitalist oligarchy more and more every day. The rampant greed and pure avarice is sickening to the point of puking on peoples shoes.
Nothing is easy to calculate in my head anymore. The numbers are not done in metric units, which I can do very well thank-you either.  Just pure meanness and nasty avarice. All these corporations are rolling in their gold and laughing at us serfs as we try to use the crap for education we are getting to navigate everyday life.
It is to the point that I truly pity all the children in school today growing up in this country and world that hated them at birth but loved them as a fetus. The education system being destroyed by DeVos is the best way to calm the serfs since education/knowledge/ critical thinking is the key to survival and to create a little happiness out of the rubble we are allowed to have. The Oligarchs loathe our very existence and do all they can to make our lives mores miserable. Why? I always ask why make out lives more miserable....because they can and we allow them to.
We are too afraid to rise up and take our pitchforks to the castle and over throw the blood sucking leeches who prey on us daily for their pleasure. All these uber rich "people" are sick with their avarice... their illness shines on them like slime yet many bow down thinking that glow is some great thing    However it is just the slime that forms on rotting meat........
I am angry that I can not longer even pare down the spoiled fruit I am allowed to buy to find
 some thing edible...... few people will understand since they live in the paradise of fools. I left that prison long ago. I am not a fool anymore.