The very hardest thing to come to terms with is when the love of your life has reached a time in his life where your love becomes a burden…not that they cease to love you but when that loves adds to their burden of life when they are developing health issues and end of life issues. Needing to tend to another’s needs for the closeness, the companionship takes energy away from their ability to tend to their needs.
When I realized that I am now, my love is now, a burden, of course I felt rejected, hurt, and crushed to my very marrow. I cried and still tear up with undefinable grief at the thought with me so old so close to my own demise, all alone. I always wanted to be loved, to belong somewhere, to some one. I know I belong to me, however to quote a character from my favorite modern novel the silent reason Hild chose to buy the slave, the body woman was because “she can not leave me” since all her family, friends have had to leave her. No one thought about the emotional pain Hild was going through. I am like that only not the Light of anyone. I am just an ordinary person living in interesting times.
I am not in a place that I can call home except my things are here with me and a few cats. The cats are also a burden to me since leaving here means I need to take them….but leave I must. I have a place will take a few days with a helper to move all the items of my life from one full packed room into the empty house, now finished and now ready to be lived in, by me, and it looks like alone with a few cats. This also causes me untold grief at this time in my life. Finding a helper in a strange land is no easy task, either. To enter older age alone is not how I envisioned me. I tried so hard to develop some sort of social safety network with those people I loved once, to share a home together…but each of those people I approached to this subject refused and seemed insulted. I lated found out that the “love” the “friendship” professed was not real just the result that I had more money to spend on them. That caused me new heartache. It has been years to get through that pain….now I have new pain, more profound pain since my life partner is also needing to pull away for his needs that I can not be of help.
For 16 years I have been a refugee. The only things of comfort were the things I could surround me in the temporary places I lived, the cats that came with me, the person who loved me. I could deal with the hardships when my little circle was complete. Now the circle is broken and I need to walk away….alone…forever….at least my forever is not that many years now.