a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Sunday, March 20, 2016

My Life ... since a Venn Diagram is complicated

My Frustration level is at max. I have a head ache all the time, my shoulder, which attracts the stress is painful to the feeling of nausea.
I have given a home to my old 98 yr old aunt.
I have a husband whom I love and want happy. We live under the constant fear and threat of all the aftermath of 9/11( you all would not understand very well.)
All my aunts stuff came to this house with the few things of my mother's stuff I saved after her death( that event lasted 6 years and is another circle in the Venn)
I have a fixer upper house which I bought before the Old One needed a place to live so it is in need of fixing.
Old One did not like the downstairs room( which is the warmest w=room in the house while all the rest of the house remains cool enough for my comfort. ) Because it was too small. She was very nasty about not wanting such a small room.......I was ready to put a nice accessible powder room in that room so she could not travel all over to use the bathroom at night....It is a decent size bedroom. But no. She needed the biggest bedroom room in the house. I have had to put extra heaters in the room and with the main house hold furnace it is like an oven but still she complains about it being too cold...nowhere is 85ยบ too cold, especially when it is below zero out side.
I need to function in a too warm house all the time because she only sleeps in the biggest bedroom which is upstairs and needed a stair lift chair $$ to get upstairs. All the bathrooms need new toilets since she did not like anyone them not high enough for her $$. Since she is all over the house all the bathrooms need to accommodate her.
I need to remodel the downstairs bathroom because it is a sight and I knew I would need to fix it when I bought the house...no can do yet....why? No one to do it...this area is bereft of workers of quality, or ethics.
I painted my own bedroom in self preservation since I wanted somewhere to be that was pretty and nice for me...yes selfish me... it is OK but with out a ladder not as nice as I could do and I was exhausted since the move to here was another circle in the Venn diagram that overlaps with the mother diagram. Please put all the diagrams inside the post 9/11 aftermath...there are three that overlap that one but not here yet.

Last year Old One took a tumble because she refused to wear grippy socks while walking and she slipped on the floor and banged herself up enough to be in the hospital.....was that any respite for me? No. For 30 days I needed to wait until the hospital called to tell me she would not be sent home today....I could not get anything done, is was the dead of winter and I still had no one to do any work here in the house for me. As well as every day...every freaking day she could have been discharged and I would need to drive the 45 miles to pick her up at the notice of the phone call.
When she was sent home she was given nice home heath care workers that came in an helped her bathe, do a little physical therapy which she needed (she is not dead yet and can still do things to make it easier on herself and me)
A nurse to asses her once a week. She threw a major tantrum and refused all help...meaning I now had more work than before.
She does not have dementia she is spoiled and stubborn and used to having everything her own way. Make a nice circle for her too.
I was able, or at the time I thought, to find a contractor to do stuff for me since I had frozen pipes and the back of the house foundation would collapse taking the back room bathroom, laundry room and deck with it. OK fine now I need to do this but If I do this can I get the kitchen done( I did not want state of the freaking art hight end kitchen just a simple change) No problem with the amount you have allotted you should get the foundation done the back room dry walled, the deck redone( since it had to come off for the foundation to get done) and the kitchen. And there was enough for a simple powder room since the bathroom downstairs could be out of service for a while)
I must say I called 5 foundation companies and not one NOT ONE showed up to even look and give me an estimate. This guy looked ok and I like a stupid desperate fool said OK.We will start with the powder room since the toilet was already there.....I can only work weekends... OK... I figure a month of weekends. He became Oh by the way this is a problem , Oh by the way that needs to be repaired oh by the way ........FTS.
I was beaten down and had a huge mess in the house that I just wanted freaking done. And the foundation was in imminent danger of collapse, for real and still......
I am still dealing with everything plus a husband who needs to be tended to as a loving wife wants to.....He is another circle and I am always not doing something right. No he has not been here since the beginning since he has his own set of Venns that he had to to and one of those circles still overlap these other circles. There a five more new circles to put in but at this point I am tired and what is the use.......I am tired.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Over all view of life in the wake of the republican misanthropy

I have a nearly 99 year old aunt living with me. It is obvious that she needs more full time care than my 24/7 can do. I am exhausted, I am living in a jail and it is my death sentence since I am not a young person. She should be in a skilled facility that can help her out of bed to the bathroom, and help her to her chair and when she needs to move around. She can walk with a walker but I would say she is at maybe 40% capacity. She can not stand up longer enough to pull up panties or slacks to dress. And using the bathroom she can manage most of the time except when she falls. She falls 2 ways a slump to the floor and the argument with the floor and the floor wins which results in broken noses and many bruises and swellings. There is a lot of other little things she can and cannot do. However it is my health and life that I am now concerned with. I wanted to enjoy a day out with my husband just a day.But I needed to cancel out today since she fell and then told me getting out of bed was hard and she almost could not do it. When there was help for her( consequently me) after a major fall last year, she threw out all the nice helpers that came several times a week. If she would not have been bitchy she would have learned strengthening exercises and have had to do them instead of sit all day. She may not have been stuffing her face with cookies and candy( if she does not get her snacks she throws a tantrum. I tried to get her to loose a little weight since for her size she is about 25 pound over her best weight. But she threw a fit over that too. So the only things she lies to do is sit watch TV or read. I am tired and feeling so trapped by my own good intentions, but it is obvious she needs to be in a old folks home. However that is not easy nor cheap. And here is where the republicans fit in...they hate medicare and anything to do with poor people. Yes she is poor but has a pension and her social security. She has my home and I am suppose to sacrifice' my life for hers according to the government. I say Phooey. A few of those bombs and drones can easily take care of 100s of Old old people until they finally die. But the repubs like the war profits.... I am sad, disappointed since I have not been on an outing for more than 4 years....I am worn out.