a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Welcome all my Friends to the Show that Never Ends

I walked away from religion when I realized all I was wanting was just a little normal and not so much tragic, not so much horrible...I got tired for thanking god for something bad not happening...for then thanking god for not making the bad even worse. It was then I realized how nasty this god was if that was the best I could hope for with all my devotions and prayers.

I was pious and devout. I was not a fanatic but a quiet religious person...for decades I felt a contentment in the ritual that I embraced as not empty but full of the wonder of god. Until a small cat suffered and died for no reason except god willed it. I thought it was the will of god....then I thought....and thought some more that if this was the will of god this god was some nasty piece of work.

One day during a prayer I head myself begging this nasty being to allow me some comfort in my hours of real suffering. Just a moment of peace to abate the fears. Just a feeling of peace to enter this torment. Nothing. I knew then that it was not that god was nasty. The simply was no god to hear. Or maybe god could not help me then what was the use....then I was back to a nasty god...then I settled on the Nothing. Once I embraced that concept that nothing was hearing me, that there was nothing that could influence my inner self but me( with a lot of work) I felt a huge burden lift from my heart, my stooped shoulders. There was fresh air as the door to the prison opened....the door was never locked and I just had to se the handle and open. It took s bit of time to leave the door way since I knew once I left I would never want to go back. Many had returned. But not me! If was to free myself I would do it like I did most of my life.... leave the past and never look back.
My imaginary religion was a great castle huge and beautiful safe....but there was always something sinister lurking in the courtyards.......Once I stepped through the door I walked to the meadow and the forest. I knew I was on my own. I could not ask for help. Then I laughed and said When did I ever get any help anyway?! Yes I was alone now. But had I not always been alone in the dark?
So dear friends that is how I escaped. It is hard to most people to escape. I am not bitter at those who stay but I am sorry for them but never would I encourage them to leave the castle. Most people can not endure life as a fully adult thinker responsible for all their actions and thoughts. I am now a kinder person because it is the right thing to do, not for some after death reward. I now live and relish this life since it is all I will have. I may recycle back. I am not sure of the other ideas that have invaded religions besides a god/gods/goddesses. There is no proof or anything god or not. Except what happened to me when asked for a simple thing as a moment of peace in the midsts of my storm way back when. I am content to live each day with its frustrations and troubles but I now know it is just the life and not some punishment or reward. It is easy to do the right thing and it is easy to be thankful for life each day.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Changes Back Again

Since I invited my elderly aunt to live with me when her home was taken away from her, I knew I would not ask her to become a vegetarian since she was 95. I thought she would not last the year once I saw how fragile and decrepit she was when I arrived in California to pack her up. After my own move, moving her from California to Maine, moving into a fixer upper, my own illness I would just suck it up and eat meat with her. I really thought she was a short term resident here. However she is now 96, recovered, and doing well. She is walking more, eating more, tends to her own needs like some 80 in good shape. I, on the other hand can not eat another bit of animal. So today I am making flarn (seitan) and will cook everything veg except for her meat.
I already get nauseous when I heat up her milk for cafe au lait. I kept my soy milk and use it in cooking. So it is just the meals that need to be divided. I think I can handle the extra work. I have eaten around the meat for a week or more now. To be honest eating the stuff has not brought about any longing to continue eating meat. Many former vegetarians said once they ate meat they were hooked again. Not me. I think about tofu with longing. I am trying the crockpot to simmer the flarn. I have not made it in a long time. Smells good.
It was easier for me this past year since I was exhausted with the stress of the last few years. Now it is easier to go back. Few people judged me, and if they did let them walk in my shoes. Another thing will be welcome my food budget will go down! Meat is freaking expensive! I just need to keep well so the little extra work is not hard on me. Thank goodness flarn can be frozen!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

House Update

I have begun painting the upstairs bathroom. I am using the same paint I used on the porch out front. I figured that a damp place should have waterproof paint. The floor was so ugly anything would have improved it. I am so happy I chose the color Stonehedge it is a greenish grey. Once dry it looks like slate with the subtle sheen. It is nice underfoot. Of course now it has cat prints in the Swedish blue I just painted the window sills with. It needed another coat anyway. It is hard to paint a floor in the damp weather and my window of painting opportunity is small. This paint takes longer to dry. I may have to paint with a space heater blowing in the bathroom a little later.
Today I wanted to play with the paint and do the walls. Punkee rushed the door and was upstairs and would not come down. So I swore at him and did what I could with him bouncing off the walls and meowing all over. I just had the new paint roller cover and could not find it, add some more frustration to the cat being in the cat free zone. So I decided to just paint what I could reach with my paint brush. After Punkee left foot prints on the floor I locked him in the hall. Now I am upset and into a flopsweat. I calm a bit while admiring the color as it goes on the door and other window sill. There is a warm breeze blowing through the wide open windows. The color is amazing. I love it. I am splattering on to the floor but it needs a second coat anyway....... Now the breeze turns cold or is my sweat causing it.....
The nice thing about this paint is it stretches, slip resistant, fills cracks, smoothes splinters, mildew resistant, and is water proof. It will seal the 112 years old plaster nicely. I rather keep the plaster since dry wall molds at a drop of a hat here and even old plaster is better than the new drywall.
The floor color is beautiful, Looks like slate and I will paint the upper hall floor the same color and the lower hall too. Now there is very old wood look linoleum over boards. This is brittle and does not wash well. So it needs to come up. I will fill the gaps since I see daylight from the first floor. This paint will seal the gaps once the gaps have extra caulk. I will have slip resistant floors....a good safety feature.
And all for the price of a can of paint.....about $54.