a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Cooking and other Housewifery

I like to cook. However the price of Propane to run the stove is $3.00 a gallon. I still have no idea how much I use when cooking. The crock pot takes forever but if I plan ahead I can make stuff. I like to eat; however, cooking for one is very hard. Prepackaged food are not cost effective or nutritious. Now that I am living in a cold climate what I want to eat and what I am used to cooking(making) are not the same. When it is 50ยบ for the high cold foods are not desired by me. So long to the mixed salads & cold sandwiches.

I am scattered in thoughts and work. So many things need to be done and I can not do the important ones myself. And trying to get someone to just show up for a quote is the challenge. I am in a strange country.

We may be the United States but the rules and regulations are all different. so I am in a new country that happens to be English speaking. I know I need to adjust to the climate and I am it is what I wanted after all. After so many years in the tropics it will take time. I did not expect the vampires to be so numerous! Sitting outside when it is nice enough is the same challenge that I had in the tropics....BUGS...not just annoying bugs but evil vampire bugs that leave great big wounds.

I now Know why "Dark Shadows" was in Maine! With all the wounds from the biting flies who can tell a vampire wound?
Long sleeves, high collars, long leggings are the fashion choice for me. It will be part of my Andaz, my personal style. I also need waterproof boots. It will take some time to adjust to the new life. It was different in Texas I was coming out of the Central Valley in California and at lest in San Antonio I was not in the fog for the wintertime.

But the weather has changed over the years I was in Texas. Summers started to last longer and begin earlier. Rain became a deluge or drought nothing in between. And there are fire ants in Texas. Here my head and neck are wounded, there my feet and hands were covered with the pustules from the ant bites and the pain was great. Sitting outside meant mosquitoes here too, in additions to the black flies.

Back to cooking and shopping. I did not realize that Ellsworth was so far away from Milbridge. I am a champion catalog and online shopper. I do not like to drive in bad weather and here it is always something. The PTSD limits my time out in public. The renewal of my fears came when I was stopped with out cause by the stormtrooper in New York State. That sucked my progress right out. It also is and will suck my money out too. Money I could have used to fix my foundation, my roof, my unfinished room...and a host of other things. So If I need to go anywhere it is a few days to get the courage up and working to leave the house, as well as rationing the gas for the car. I will be glad when Auntie Nellie is here. I feel more brave when I have another person in the house. So the point of this is Honeyville http://store.honeyvillegrain.com/ I have tried so many of their products and they deliver.

I do recommend their products. It has been a long time since the produce in the stores where I go has been first quality or even fresh. Most is at the end of its keeping stage and goes bad rather fast even though I know how to store and prepare vegetables. So if they are old vegetables their nutrition is shot anyway. Onions are already going bad from the inside out...only means they are months old already before they hit the stores. So why not buy dehydrated, freeze dried!? So far so good. Every product I have bought has been first class and the empty cans make good canisters for the crafty person.

So I need a ladder and I think I found one and it can be shipped to my home.
Housewifery is a full time job if it is done well.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

A day in the Life of me.

I need to make lists with small goals to keep me more centered. I did this morning and by the time I got down stairs I lost the list. I made another one it is right here. So far so good. I gave myself One Hour for internet... it can be such a time waster. But it is also my social life since my fall from grace.

The weather is fine and I am OK.

My alloted hour got interrupted with a phone call from sweeti. I put on a pot of borscht. I may have the gumption for pidiskis, may.... but I have homemade bread. Inkee my 16 year old cat asked for more food( canned) he has lost one of his fangs( his fanger) a few years back. And he feels less than able to defend himself from all the kids here. His vision is poor too..he is allergic to antibiotics and certain cat litters. He has always been a gentle black cat. So I fed him. When he wants something he gets my attention, I ask what does he want, I then name things, when I get to the right thing( food, cat nip, sitting..me w/ him on my lap...) he presses his head to my leg this means yes to us. He wanted more wet food. With 22 cats it creates a riot so I put him in a room and gave him a little can. I then had to give treats to the youngsters they know when someone gets special treatment and do not understand the elderly need special care (sorta like people ,no?) It is a beautiful day the people are going all over the state and I hope enjoying the scenery.

I enjoy watching the traffic go by. I do not care for much travel anymore. I am itching to paint but to buy paint means I need to drive to Ellsworth, means I need to buy rollers, a ladder, an extension for the rollers, extra roller covers, paint tray..... plus the paint so it is best to put off for a while and pay off the moving expenses. Then while I am there I should buy curtain rods and the other stuff that I need and can't get by UPS or FedEX. I have chosen the colors. I have a list of to do for the handyman when ever he remembers to call I may email him on Monday evening, it is a holiday and the weather is nice; I can't deny this nice weather to a Mainer at all!

I am finally out of that nasty cat litter( I hate walmart for not keeping in stock enough of the one we all like) it is all over the place and the cats vomit from it( cats vomit at a drop of a hat). I need to vacuum 3 or 4 times a day, I need more area rugs to catch the litter so it it at least stays on a carpet and not get everywhere.

So my one hour is almost done( adjusted for phone calls and soup putting on) I want to craft something today or maybe watch a movie....I'd like a nap but.....

Hope you weekend is going well.

Friday, May 25, 2012

New Brunswick, Canada

New Brunswick, Canada discriminates against English speaking people and favors bilingual over mono-lingual speakers to the point of freezing them out of all the better paying & best paying jobs. This means that a better qualified mono-lingual person is not hired in favor of a bilingual person who has lesser abilities. Go to any Service New Brunswick or any government department and you will find all bilingual people. And you will also see inefficient lackluster people, who speak English 90% of the time. The other 10% is on their break when they gossip in French while smoking outside. However there is no program, no assistance, no nothing to help those who want to learn French. There are also conflicting answers to the question of "Well if I do take that class for a year from 8am to 4 pm 5 days a week and pay the three thousand dollars that class will cost will cost will I get a job?" Answer was no. It is not long enough to be considered bilingual! Will I get some financial assistance since I can't work during that year? No.

No one in my age group learned French as a second language. The majority of New Brunswickers are English speaking. I have nothing against the Canadian French language, I want to learn it. What I have is a problem with is the institutionalized discrimination by the provincial government of 75% of its citizens who through no fault of their own do not speak Canadian French. We are being driven out of New Brunswick for lack of jobs, not lack of jobs we are qualified for but the fact that since we are not bilingual we can't even apply for them.

Of course this is payback for the years of British rule and the expulsion of the French in 1755-1763. And the act that made New Brunswick bilingual was passed in 1982. It was suppose to be a good thing so all people would be included and those who has a preference had the choice of language. However it is now the one thing that separated the citizen from the good jobs and those who need to leave or not even try. English speakers are treated like second class people in the market place and at the Provincial level. Who to complain too? Who looks after our rights? Personne. No one.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Busy falling apart

I have been alone since Wednesday. Not That long but it is the first time I am alone since 2009. I had a major breakdown in 2005/6. I have PTSD and the unjust ticket from the state of New York and this move has stressed me to the edge of the abyss. I have a doctor and she has helped very much. But unlike other mental disorders this is based on real traumatic events and can, and do, revisit my dreams and peek into the day via a scent or sound or a fleeting glimpse from the corner of my eye. Medications help but enough to really block the memories zero me out and I am a zombia with out the brain eating.

The unexpected poverty has not helped nor has aging helped. Inside I am still the me at 35. The first traumatic events began then. A whirlwind of a life followed and then the bigger things began. Not in any order but they piled up each happened before any kind of recovery from the previous event. Long drawn out traumas. The strength was already hammered from earlier times and how many blows does a rock take before that final blow hit the spot that shattered.

I am trying to cope. It is not the mental all it is also a few physical injuries that have hindered me too. Now it is the money to get the major repairs done here so I can decorate. We were misled about several things with this house. It is a dump really when compared to my home in Miramichi.. I am pulled in opposite directions. Both directions need to be addressed, they are real events that need to be done. If only this were imaginations and fantasy. Reality is so much worse when it is crashing down around. The bricks are real and there are bruises of the body as well as the soul.

At this moment in time I will decide it is the fact I am out of a particular medication and waiting for the delivery next week. Going anywhere as a long distance is not in the cards at this time...Thank-you New York State......driving is back to square 2.... just around town in a dripping sweat over 1/2 mile.......

Music helps or makes it worse. May be I can find a little escape in a DVD. Or choosing colors.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day 2012

Six years ago I was still in shock about my mother's sudden death the previous November. I was on my way to spend the Holidays with her when she died the morning of my arrival day. I was looking forward to the holidays with her since I had moved to Canada in August 2004. We talked everyday or so from the day I left, and I never felt she was in imminent danger of sudden death. I miss my mother but I do not wish her to live in the pain she was hiding from me. She knew I would come the day she asked me to come.

However she wanted me to have my own life now since I had used my late teens, 20s and nearly all my 30s helping her with my invalid father's care. I was happy for Mom to have seen me go to a real university and graduate with not only a BA but my Masters degree. She was proud and felt she had finally be able to do right by me. I do a lot in honor of my Mother. I care for my family of husband and cats, I keep things clean and sanitary, she was after all an infection control nurse in the times before all the antibiotics. MRSA would never have had a chance with her! She dreaded going to the hospitals and always said she wanted to die in her own bed.

On this Mother's Day I will call my mother's oldest sister, my Auntie Nellie. Auntie Nellie is 95 and as amazed to be that old as anyone! She is my God Mother when I was baptized. I may not believe in a deity anymore but I still love and respect my Aunt/God Mother. I am preparing a room for her in my new old home since no one in California where she lives wants to let he in their homes for her final years. Yes she is living on her own and still able to sorta. No one at age 95 should be living alone. There are plenty of relatives who really owe her that have the space and time to let an elder live with them...all those pious Russian Molokans, all those pious Jews, they have room and reason to care for here. I am 3300 miles away and it will take us over 3 days to get to here! 1 day in the hotel at the departure airport since all the flights leave at 6am, 10 plus house and 2 plane changes on the travel day, then another night in the airport hotel since the flight gets in at 12am. No way I will haul her for another 2 hours in the dark and in the car after such a trip! She is welcome here and what ever and all her stuff she wants too. Even her cat.

I am getting the room ready. It will be the little bedroom on the first floor. That room has a flush in the closet and the closet is big enough for a full powder room. I am wondering if I can get a window cut in the wall?. I have a much bigger room but not the money or the people to finish it into a nice room... it is woefully undone. The little room is warm has two windows with nice views. And as I told her, I do expect her to live in the whole house and not be in the bedroom unless she is sleeping or napping. This will be her home too. later we can decide on what to do with other parts. Now she needs shelter from those who yell at her for living too long! And that shelter is with me, as an honor to me to do for her.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Two Front Doors

My house has two front doors. The one we use is to the Kitchen. The "official" one is locked and closed with a storm doors about 100 years old. This house is not as nicely built as my home in New Brunswick. This house was for the working newly middle class folks. The doors are thinner than in New Brunswick. The entry hall is not a grand entrance but a small cramped area like in English houses of the same class.However it is 112 years old. The former owners were not very handy whatever they did was on the cheap and not with much foresight or skill. I doubt anything was professionally put in since they moved here in 1942. The first people who lived here may have had some taste but the person I bought this from did everything with no imagination or taste.

Now I do decorate and do things on a serious budget but I have plenty of imagination and taste so the clearance prices and goods are a challenge to me to choose the best one. I got in the three outdoor fixtures since this house has none over the kitchen door and broken ones at the front and deck side door. I choose tow for the front doors. The porch needed a flush mount, I got one in Oiled Bronze, the Main door is a carriage light in oiled bronze. Not matchy matchy but they look nice together; and I got them at a very good price. The deck door is an aluminum nautical looking light that will look nice and has a down casting light. The deck is private and not exposed to the public. But I will be able to see it from my kitchen sink. Now to call the electrician.

What to do with that main front door? Nasty cheap frosted plastic film is on the windows in the door. I have no money for a beveled glass or stained glass replacement and the kitchen door's windows are cracked and patched with the same frosted plastic film. I must replace the kitchen windows and they need to be custom cut and that will take any extra for something special. However I came across a wonderful website that sells plastic window films of a designer nature and they offer free samples so I looked through all their styles and had to choose just five. If I did not have stunning views from every window I'd be tempted to cover all the windows with that stuff! I can't wait for the samples to arrive! The front door will be show worthy.

I hear the house wanting to be pretty and wishing some one with some taste comes and dresses it up. But what to do with the storm door? I cannot afford a new all glass one---they are very costly. But the ol' imagination kicked in and I saw other storm doors painted bright, unusual colors, I am not as good an artist as I wish I was so no stunning mural is in the making... BUT...I do have a pattern of a pieced quilt that I like. Geometric patterns I can map out and paint! I also wanted to paint the detail trim out side, as well as the stairs next season when the new wood is broke in. I have seen some nice stairs that are alternating colors....a good idea for the old and stupid who are not used to walking up and down stairs!

My Russian/gypsy genes are charged up since this place is much like Siberia after the years in hot south Texas. Burnt Olive( Kilz brand), a good deep...but not to hard... red, a deep sea blue (like I see right now from the window!)and metallic gold (The quilt pattern has a gold sun circle and as I look at the porch pillars I want a metallic stripe inside the detail. [I also found a first class paint supply for the metallic paint. I may get by with a sample pot since I will use it discreetly.]) will be the accent colors on the outside trim, stairs, porch floors, and the deck. There are several houses here that are painted ladies. I am just doing trim for now and when I get a 50 foot ladder I can do the second and third floor windows.

So the desire to fix up this house is strong the pocket is empty and I need to use what I have and get by with some paint and what I have. I can do it. anyone with money can get the job done but doing a nice job with none?... that is talent. ;-)

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Just a Ramble through my brains

I have some time to write since I am not doing the breakfast dishes. I need to say this up front:

1. I hate the state of New York.
2. Verizon/Orion Moving company is lousy and nasty to use.

That said I will also say that I really believe that the US government needs to change. I can not afford to keep warm (I am not talking shorts and tank top warm, but fleecy pants, socks, under shirt, long sleeve top shirt, and cardigan)-heating oil prices are too high and it cost $904.00 to fill my oil tank with 238 gallons of oil. A lot you say, well not really; I have been here since 1 April 2012, I have put 200 gallons in and we ran out in the middle of the night Sunday night. We still get frost on the ground here, I have several(10) very elderly cats and I am no spring chicken myself. The Oil companies are making buckets of profits, the US Government is squandering my and your tax money on war and murders and all round being nasty in the world. Politicians are spending more money I get in one month in 5 minutes for their political ambitions. It is morally wrong to do that while people like me (there are millions here in the US) are cold and with out any medical care and dread the fall or getting ill.

I cannot believe how mean and stingy those who wish to rule this country are and I can not believe how mean and stingy those the politicians pander to are. Why is it such a crime to be poor? I am educated but without work. What am I suppose to do? Die and decrease the surplus population? Why can't our tax money go to subsidize heating oil, universal medical care, public transit, and more?

Why not subsidize the food buyers and not so much the mega corporate food industry who makes obscene profits making junk food out of real food? How many aisles of plain wholesome food are in the markets and how many aisles of chips, cookies, crackers, frozen pizza and other snack food are there as compared to real cook it food? I bake bread, takes about 2 hours but there is a lot of time to do other things during the process. I bake bread since quality bread is $4.99 a loaf. I do not trust a loaf of bread that can be balled up into a ball the size of a tennis ball-not even a soft ball! Bread is the staff of life and it seems that there are too many people who want to deny that staff to everyone...seems like they are very religious people too. I know they probably want us to go to god( aka die) since that is the important part of their religion we have to die before we can be happy ...seems strange to me to think like that. I was thrown out of Sunday School for questions like that. No one wants to answer my questions, now or then.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Another nice day for an outing

Whenever it is nice out( sunny) we go off for a drive. Today we went east towards Canada. Campobello is still closed for the season. We saw our first beaver! It was a big one but it was moving a a fair clip. So our first beaver. We drove along Route 1 and Bar Harbor/Mt Desert Island has nothing on the views and loveliness of this drive!
Machais, East Machais, Whiting, and all the places in between were charming. Pembrook is creepy & haunted looking, and that was on a sunny day. It is a living ghost town; it felt spooky. Very interesting.
We wanted to take pictures in Machais which is so pretty, the river was boiling and the flowers were blooming but there are vampires there. We were swarmed with biting flies! I got two pictures and then back into the car! However the drive was lovely and it is a bit cooler and drier here in Milbridge although sunny now warmer no vampires yet. This is the nice part about here not hot!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Who does this to an Old Lady?

Auntie Nellie is 95. She is nearly blind and gets an injection in one eye every six weeks which has given her some sight back. She can not drive. The sister and brother-in-law which had agreed to take her to the doctors every six weeks did not show up this week and she had to ask the lady she pays to pick up her mail to take her! She lives alone no one sees her or calls (except me) her. Yet there are several doing nothing nieces who have the big enough house( empty of children) or no real life( bums who make do with odd jobs) all in their 40s who could stay with her or have her in their home that are just a few miles away! I am 3300 miles away! I now need to fly out, rent a car and then get her ready to move and fly her and her cat to Maine. I do not mind at all. However that there is lots of family there gripes my cookies. They are all selfish bloodsucking leeches as far as I am concerned. No matter what she is a human being who has lived to 95 and should live with some dignity and not beg people she is PAYING to do what they are being paid for. To tell someone they are at fault for living so long is wrong on so many levels. It is a moral outrage and a moral crime. I am the atheist in the family and not the pious church goer. This is so wrong to allow an elder to live alone. So much for all the god preaching and this makes every day in church and synagog a lie and they are such hypocrites it makes my head hurt.