a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Busy falling apart

I have been alone since Wednesday. Not That long but it is the first time I am alone since 2009. I had a major breakdown in 2005/6. I have PTSD and the unjust ticket from the state of New York and this move has stressed me to the edge of the abyss. I have a doctor and she has helped very much. But unlike other mental disorders this is based on real traumatic events and can, and do, revisit my dreams and peek into the day via a scent or sound or a fleeting glimpse from the corner of my eye. Medications help but enough to really block the memories zero me out and I am a zombia with out the brain eating.

The unexpected poverty has not helped nor has aging helped. Inside I am still the me at 35. The first traumatic events began then. A whirlwind of a life followed and then the bigger things began. Not in any order but they piled up each happened before any kind of recovery from the previous event. Long drawn out traumas. The strength was already hammered from earlier times and how many blows does a rock take before that final blow hit the spot that shattered.

I am trying to cope. It is not the mental all it is also a few physical injuries that have hindered me too. Now it is the money to get the major repairs done here so I can decorate. We were misled about several things with this house. It is a dump really when compared to my home in Miramichi.. I am pulled in opposite directions. Both directions need to be addressed, they are real events that need to be done. If only this were imaginations and fantasy. Reality is so much worse when it is crashing down around. The bricks are real and there are bruises of the body as well as the soul.

At this moment in time I will decide it is the fact I am out of a particular medication and waiting for the delivery next week. Going anywhere as a long distance is not in the cards at this time...Thank-you New York State......driving is back to square 2.... just around town in a dripping sweat over 1/2 mile.......

Music helps or makes it worse. May be I can find a little escape in a DVD. Or choosing colors.

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