a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Saturday, February 15, 2020

Afsana 2

How long has it been that I have not worn earrings? Seems like I never  worn them  but…. few people even see that I have no ears to even comment. I was wearing scarves well. No one cared about hajibs or tichels, or if a woman covered her hair or not it just did not matter anymore. I wore mine to cover where my ears once were.
During one of the unsettled times where people were deciding if dying would be an easier plan than living in the ever tightening noose of the dictatorship, the more times of hunger, the times of sickness with no medical….especially the older folks, those who were into retirement for a few years were growing desperate and very unsettled in the harder times and the view into the future of even harder times.  Perry’s aunt and uncle were like that. Growing more uneasy at what what beyond their control, more careless in their habits of not turning off the stove, of putting the iron on and not ironing, little things like that to indicate that death would be easier now. 
One day they came home with a box of fireworks. Not just a small one but it looked like enough to have a block party. They set them in the kitchen. When Perry and I were over for a visit I noticed them and mentioned it. 
“we are going to blow the house up” said Aunt Vera as she sipped her tea and nibbled a cake.
“yes” added Uncle Don “we do not want the government to get the house or our belongings so we thought that blowing up the house would be the best solution.”
I nearly choked on my cake and started coughing looking at Perry. His face was stoic to say the least as if he did not hear or understand.
“We want you to come with us. dear.” Aunt Vera smiled her sweet smile. She was a thin woman as was Uncle Don, her face sharp, angular she did not look the motherly type but was always a kind women since I met her a few years ago when I began dating Perry.  
“I am going to help them do it up proper and I will need your help” Perry finally spoke and I was flabbergasted at what I heard.
My head started spinning and there was a screaming in my head…i carefully looked at the others and was relieved that it was in my head and I was not actually screaming…..
“OK” I managed to say not meaning OK but trying to buy some time to think of anything through the screaming in my head that would not stop. The spinning just got worse.
“Great” Perry jumped up and dragged me to the bathroom where the in-wall gas heater was. He showed me a box of squeeze bottles and told me they were filled with gell fire started. I was to squirt it all over the bath room and do the same in the bedroom. He would be in the kitchen and Vera and Don would be in the living-room since they had more drugs and could no longer get up. 
“do you need more tea?” he asked so gently …it seemed to be so out of place to hear his voice so full of love.
“I mean you only drank half a cup and one cake” 
I looked at him and squeaked out 
“No I am fine, really quite prepared” My head was into every part of my memory on how to escape and get the hell out.
“go do what you need to to do I will handle this”
The heaters open flame was burning blue and I began squeezing the gel bottles like I was decorating a cake. Once I had finished the bathroom I went into the bedroom and did the same. I opened the window over the bed and knew I needed to climb out that high window.
 I heard Perry begin lighting the stove in the kitchen that apartment was so silent the ticktickticktick of the igniter of the stove echoed in that tiny place like it was a music hall.
I heard and felt a strong boom like a sonic boom, then saw a flash through the window as I was sucked out, then a feeble laugh from the drugged old ones. 
The explosion was deafening. 
No memories of anything have survived until I was in an emergency tent clinic on a cot waking up. I could hear sirens, smell smoke a great panic arose in me and the medic calmed me saying I was safe.
“wha….wha….. happened?” I croaked out my throat was raw. I noticed my eyes stung, my head hurt, particularly the sides of my head hurt, I reached up and there were bandages …
“There was an explosion and fire in this complex” the medic told me, “ you have been unconscious for a few hours”.
“How big….” I could not manage anymore words.
“ We think a  full city block has been leveled by the explosion, the fire is still burning” She said while putting drops in my eyes.
“you were found singed and sitting at the bus stop watching the fire” She had a nice face. The civil services uniform was a soft green and suited her and calmed me knowing there was someone in charge; at least of me, I needed some one in charge of me.
I was in the clinic tent for several days. The city hospitals were over run with the wounded. Even though  I would need surgery it could wait and I did not need to fill a precious bed.
Once I was able, I began helping in the clinic. I had no where to go at the time and no way to get there. The city transportation was closed down while the ensuing fires were still moving across the city. After ten days of fire the city began to get a bit normal, the new normal of much less city and the pall of smoke settled in with the fog creating a new problem. 
I was folding blankets when I saw him…Perry!  I went over to him, then stopped. He was with a medic and being assisted to one of the ward beds. I asked later and was told he was blinded by the conflagration and had memory loss. Not surprising since many people had memory loss.
I went to the little lounge and saw the TV was on and the civil station was on with the news 

“After two weeks the satellite data has been recovered and it was a meteor that hit Port Center City. Many pieces of space debris have also been recovered  and It appears the meteor captured the circling space debris and hurled pieces through the atmosphere hitting many other cities on earth. However the impact from the meteor itself was on Port Center City. 

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Afsana

It was so long ago that even the idea of a memory was forgotten, until a song from nearly fifty years ago showed up in my news feed….and it was nearly fifty years ago when I last heard the song. As I listened to it I thought I would never leave a man I loved that much…until….that memory climbed out of the the third level of forgotten hell. So many lives I have  lived since that last note faded off the radio. I was so many people during these nearly 50 years. I left her behind a life times ago and now she comes crashing back to remind me who I once was.  And yes I did leave him and I loved him so much I ached inside just hearing him sing. I followed him  to the end of the world and shivered in a cold water flat to be with him. We traveled and sang and just over the rainbow was the big times. Soon the time we would be discovered. Until then we played in dives or on the streets or at the wild parties of the decadent of those olden days; they always managed to stiff us or pawn off their drugs as payment.  You needed them more than I did. I remember now. After four years of this gypsy life of me waiting the tables at the places you sang, me not even singing or playing any more, but still you voice thrilled me and gave me that ache inside…four years ….is not that long a time when looking back… but I only remember it as me always being cold, always a bit hungry….you began to take gigs a bit farther away from where I was working and coming home to me. I went off with you one last time; although I did not know it was the last time….looking back?…. no not even looking through experience and through love clouded eyes did I think that was the last time I would be with you. Do I regret leaving? No. I was so lost for a long time after but I knew  I needed to survive and you would do your life with others and I did find out about the others before I left. That song was our life. And I did walk into the sunset with no idea what I would do or what I would become or even if I would live. I left with no idea of where I was going…. I only knew why. One song and I can wallow in a memory of someone else's life, it was not the me I became. The new old me is OK and you are such a faded memory that there is not color but I only remember the cold. Nice song. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

A Question to those who do not read this

I need to ask this question of “conservatives and republicans & obscenely rich people( includes you “TV Christian preachers” )….Why do you begrudge the people who are not wealthy any kind of nice life? Why are you so excited about killing people you do not know just to make money on your investments from your bombs and weapons stocks? Why do you need more than a few million dollars for your happiness? Why do you want all this money sweated  off the backs of the serf labor of others? What kind of thoughts go through your minds when you like to see starving people? Why do you get pleasure from seeing people needing to live in the streets while you have more houses and rooms than you will ever use? Why do you get so much satisfaction out of the color of your skin when it was just a random chance of birth? What is it to you that people pray or do not pray to the same deity you do? Why do you care if two adults love each other? Why is it that all you obscenely rich people are so perverted in ways that are just sick and so far off the bell curve of normal? Why are you so cheap and miserly about being kind and helping others with the tax money we pay and want to steal it for yourselves as if your billions of dollars are not enough? Just a fe questions I have never gotten the answer for…why are you so selfish? Why can you not want for others what you want for you all we serfs/peasants want is a home food clothes and meaningful work education for our children, clean water clean air, open spaces to see or just know they are there. We want the animals of the earth to live along with the human animals…why is that such a problem for you rich people? Why do you hate all of us and hate this planet we all live on?

Sunday, February 9, 2020

The Choices are Three Only

I believe there has been a coup in the USA. The republican fascists have blatantly ignore the letter of the law as well as the spirit of the law. Trump can and does anything he wants like a dictator and his party are lock step behind him. He does everything with the full support of the republican party no matter what the future cost to country. The greed is appalling and sickening but that is what the republican voters like. They too are greedy and bigoted or they would not follow such an odious man and party. 
The US will never recover from the internal destruction done in the past three years….anyone with a brain can see it. Many of the cherished institutions of the US are being dismantled from inside by the traitors appointed by trump and approved by his party.
Now is the time for panic and action. Americans who are appalled need to do one of three things…prepare to leave for another country, rise up in real revolt, or simply STFU and live with the results. There are no other choices left now. 
The only people who want to rise up are the fascist followers who are as greedy and filled with hate as the party and trump….
Each state that has one of the traitors as their representative aka PUBLIC SERVANT need to leave the state or actively take these traitors out   elections are coming up and recalls can happen. NOW is the time for good people to stand up and say “No More” and do something instead of whine on line. If you are not willing to fight for this country then you must be ready to leave and live elsewhere or STFU.
I wanted a bowl from a potter who lives in Kentucky but since Mitch McConnel is the lead henchman of the destruction of the USA I cannot send my money to that business. I was told I am just hurting “innocent” people! No I am not hurting them; if they continue to live and accept what that traitor does to everyone in this country then they can  accept that they condone what Mitch does to all of us and feel as long as they are OK who cares about the rest of the country…..simple really. 
So all the good people who are appalled at this destruction of the US need to be active and there are only a few ways they can be active…. Protest in the streets, do recall petitions and be a loud voice of reason in the din of insanity, or leave the US for a better place, or STFU. Accept the coming changes which will only be getting worse and worse….but STFU. We have choices in this and revolution needs to come if we save what is left of the US. We have the means, until the republicans take them away, to do this through the law….

Many countries are more open to those who have skills and education and may accept us as asylum seekers since they can see this country being destroyed. We need to live abroad and feel safe or we need to be active…..or just STFU.