a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Carpe Diem

I just had a birthday. I am reminded daily that I am no longer young no matter how I feel inside. I have a few aches, the face is no longer 25. I am forced by circumstances to start to sell off my stuff since there are no heirs to do it later after I am dead. So why not part with the treasures now? Life is very complicated for a refugee when there is no permanent place to settle. It is always something making that "last home" become transient.
I like this house but it needs a bit more work to make it comfortable for me for the rest of my life. The big question is how long is the rest of my life? I have my Old aunt living with me who was once my age. She is a few months shy of 99 and she never expected to last this long. After having her live with me I can say with all honestly I never want to last that long; but unlike her I know what to do and have no qualms about it.

Today is cold and foggy. No snow to be festive and I am not missing it. I question the madness of this season. I like the festiveness but there is no one to be festive for. Old One could not care less and never was much of a festive person in her younger days.I have a recipe of cookies in the fridge chilling to make up and I will a bit later today.

I have the first treasures on Ebay, books... nice ones but no one to give them to. It may become easier to sell off the bounty of my life. I also need to deal with the bounty of the Old One's life. There are no charities here to box them up and donate them so I am left with the online garage sale or the trash and I could not bear the trash for my treasures.

Carpe Diem Seize this day.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

New Normal

While reflecting on the latest and certainly not the last shooting, as heartsick as I am, this is the new normal for us. While we, as a nation, have inflicted this kind of pain on other countries in the name of whatever( I think warmonger profits are the prime mover) since 2002( and of course before with the various "actions" we took in the name of what? more war profits since nothing positive has come about from these actions in other countries) I am resolved to be a target as I have been since the Iran hostage thing (many of you are too young to remember that and I think the truth was never taught in the schools) I am sorry the US has devolved into this miasma of hate and despair. The stink of xenophobia is strong and rankles my nose. There is no real hope for change since most people seem to revel in the violence they can contemplate to inflict on those "others" . there is not one person who is running for any office who will be able to make a change for the better since those who pull the strings are not elected. Once the elected person gets the briefing of the truth of his/her office then what ever heartfelt promise they made needs to be abandoned.
Some of my own relatives have hatred for people based on one action of one individual and paints with a broad brush. It is ignorant but by golly they are entitled to their opinion as if it is truth. So much for people I know. If I can not expect a family member to see the difference in a variety of peoples and beliefs then what hope is there for strangers who are so fearful and full of hate filled fear that they wish every one dead?
So what is the difference with the frightened people of the US who are so undereducated to understand or see that violence is not the answer to the world's problems today when our own government thinks and acts only in violence and cruelty when dealing with all of its citizens and those we invade with out rhyme or reason? What are you really patriotic about? really what moves you to support men and women who of their own desire join up to kill those in others countries thousands of miles away? To what end are these wars. We are no infected with the violence is the only action plague.
Every human being and really every animal on earth wants to live a nice life and raise their family. No neighbor should be homeless or hungry in this whole world. No man or woman needs to be a billionaire while their fellow citizens can not afford to eat or live in a decent home. It is as simple as that. Too many people have too much and too many people have nothing. If you can not see that this is a great wrong, a travesty of this only life we have then you are the problem with this world and not the guns, Guns are only the means desperate people have to lash out. The collective soul of America stinks with corruption, avarice, and greed so thick it is has blinded most to the truth. Do unto other as you would have done unto you.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Ten Years Ago

Tomorrow it will be ten years that my mother died. I was in route to see her and missed her by a few hours. The why is important too. I would have been there sooner but my sister said it was not serious and to take my time. She was lying. During these past ten years I lost my mother, moved two times, had a breakdown, lost several other relatives, friends, and cats. The cats are important family to me so they are included. I am living in a place I never heard of now. I have another home in another place I never heard of too. My breakdown is ongoing in treatment. I have custody of my very elderly aunt(98), no other family wanted her and I know why but that is not the point. I miss my mother today. I have not seen nor spoken to the person who once was my sister in ten years. It appears she is not concerned by this silent 10 years. Today I am ill. Most likely an ear something since I am dizzy brained and feel a bit cottony in the head. I have a nice view out the window. What is left of my family is safe and home. Life is OK. My aunt is not my mother and each day I do for my aunt I miss my mother since she is not like my mother at all. I am almost used to not having a sister. When the one you thought was a sister turns out to hate your guts since childhood one gets over the sisterly feeling fairly fast. Today there is no snow, Ten years ago there was a lot of snow then; in Texas it was very warm and very dry. I no longer call Texas home; nor do I call California home. Home is where most of my stuff is or at least where my cats are. I am wondering around in my brain today since it is tens years since my mother died and 11 since the last time I saw her alive and I miss her.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015


I strongly support a universal basic income, universal health care, a free education, and all the empty houses and buildings being converted, refurbished, & renovated so no one needs to be homeless in the United States. We are a wealthy country. This and the past many presidential/congressional governments have squander, pillaged, and raped the national treasury. It has held its citizenry hostage to the special interests and big corporations until we have a broken economy, a fractured people divided more than at any time in the history of this country. We allowed presidents and congress to create never ending wars to pads the bank accounts of the war profiteers. Why is it so repugnant to others here to not want to have the taxes we all pay got for these above things instead of tho Military industrial complex? Why has the medical industry become an "industry" and not what it was suppose to be to make the sick well and keep the healthy well?
When did we cross the line into hating the poor, wanting to kill them, making them suffer, and then make their children suffer? How depraved do you sound when you say I don't want my Taxes to pay for the education of other's brats? When did you become so arrogant and callous that the idea of providing meals in school to children seem like an outrageous idea? What has become of the ideals we used to espouse, that are embedded in the arts of the recent past that we trot out during the holidays as being the symbol of this once great nation?
We are in a decline morally when we rather hate than love, rather let others starve while we throw food away in front of them then shoot them if they try to glean it from the trash? How depraved and ugly this country is. How much we are in darkness than wanting to waste the time to light the candle. We squash hope in others now as a pastime. It is shameful. And all who voted for these people currently in office share the blame and the shame.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015


I was listening to old favorite music on Youtube and began to think and reflect on how much I loved it way back when I was imprisoned by cruel circumstances during my 20s and 30s. The emotional pain I had from the isolation is almost hard to remember now. I can listen to the music with out that pit of despair sending chills into my soul. I have only one person to thank for my life now. He loved me, accepted me, and removed me from my wretchedness. Everything has not been perfect. Not by a long shot. However I have had normal bouts of sad and anguish. Nothing like the suicidal despair I lived through for many years. Life is better.


Saturday, August 1, 2015

It has been awhile

It has been awhile since I last posted anything. Life has been in a turmoil reminiscent of a Kafka story. I always seem to get hit out of left field. I wonder am I not paying attention or are these occurrences from others reaching a point of explosion that I do not see? The political landscape is scary and I just want my personal life calm yet it is that life that blows up the most. I am a live and let live kind of person who is patient and easy going in the face of things I have no control over. Yes I hate my kitchen to the point of madness, I love to cook and serve and do the domestic thing yet the kitchen is evil, hard to work in and cramped with stuff I hate. I have several things that that grate on me daily. But I try to not show it to others. Yet I manage to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and I blow someone up. Was it really what I said or was it just their moment of ignition and I supplied the match? Who knows. I am living in a fixer upper with and old, old person who apologizes every morning to me for getting another day older. I am in a transition from one way of life to another or am I? Such a dilemma. Babar is ill an old and dying too. Poor thing, he still enjoys cat stuff like the old,old one enjoys what she does.It is nature that is cruel and fickle. So I wait for the old ones to pass on. And I never know when what I say will set people off.....Woden knows I never have the intention of saying anything to insult anyone. I am sorry for everything I say. Then intent is never meant to hurt. Peace.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

I am the Aberration...

I have been thinking a lot about life lately. I love life on a whole, and hate what most people do with the short time we all have to enjoy the few years we have here on earth.
I know hate is a strong word but when other people are actively making my life journey hard for their nasty reasons I get ticked off.
This attitude includes relatives as well as those “elected” types who do their best to force their attitudes on others.
I have been told since I was a child that Life is not fair. I have really been contemplating that statement for decades and You know what? That is BS. It is an excuse and justification for bad, nasty behavior from those who for some unfathomable reason want others to suffer at their hands or in general.
Why do you want others to suffer? I ask that to all the “conservative FOX and GOP” types. I ask that of all the religious types who like to make others not of their faith suffer and die or live a miserable life. What thrill do you get to let others go hungry, homeless, cold, or be tortured and bombed? What kind if sickness do you suffer from that harming others and then justifying it for some political/religious reason as a good thing? How much hate do you have in your heart? It must be a lot since this world could be a nice place for everyone but YOU don’t want to share with the world your abundance even when your abundance rots in an over stocked refrigerator or gets thrown away in a land fill.
I see the individual people who are so self centered that only their comfort is important and has always been paramount that they get their fun, their way or the will make everyone around them suffer.
I now see why the world is so screwed up. I am not in the majority.
I am the anomaly, I am the odd man/woman out on this planet. My attitude is the wrong one ….to love ones neighbor, to do unto to others as I would have done to me….That is the perverted, the aberration of the species. I am the aberration and that is why I can see how awful this world is. I am the sick one.