a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Sunday, October 5, 2014


I am living through the hardest time of my life. I had other hard times, years of living through a special kind of hell but I still had youth to see me through the tunnel. I still could dream of some pleasant time in the future. But not now. I am at an age people can suddenly die or get some dreadful disease and then my life would be over. All my dreams shattered and picking up the pieces of those dreams cut my fingers and I bleed. It is hard to see through this time since I am much wiser now and I know things can get worse.

That old saying of "well what else can go wrong" is like a challenge to the Universe. Damocles sword hangs over my head. I am paying the price of doing the right thing for the right reason. It does not make my days easier since I am no sainted martyr who relishes suffering. I trap what bits of joy of each day and sometimes that basket is nearly empty and I need to hold tight to those little joys or break from the grief of my life. I can suspend my disbelief when I watch Dr Who. But I can not pretend I received an apology due me has been given. I need to let go, and I have let go of many things but we all know that to forget a major event of pain making is hard. There is always something to break the stitches and the blood oozes just enough to make a mess. Good metaphors.

I have much to be grateful for but why should I always be thankful for not having more bad stuff happening to me? I would like to live for a while where only nice things happen for a change and be thankful of the good things and not be thankful that things were not worse. That is why I have no more faith, belief, or other religious trappings. I got tired of being on the conveyor belt receiving end of being glad things were not worse than they were. So on this Sunday I say Phooey.

1 comment:

  1. I understand what you are saying. I wish I knew the answer. If I did I'd be rich. Lol. All we can do is live in the moment.