a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Sunday, March 10, 2013

A Weekend of Fear

Yes, it has been a hard several days. I made an important decision and need to talk to the person in question. I am on a roller coaster of emotion if she says no. I need to wait until Monday. I admit I need help in this house. I am in pain at times that nothing makes go away. I have modern medical money makers to thank for the muscle damage I have. So I wait and have these impossible conversations in my head, which is nothing new. I have done this since childhood, as an only child I had no one to talk to. And I did not invent an imaginary friend until a few years ago and he is not much help at this time. Although he did push me a bit to make this decision. As much as I tried I could not do what I thought I could do, or used to do. Times have changed so much. I was using an interesting website last night and my bit of money I get each month was worth $10,000 in 1932! I was watching a movie from the year and plugged in the numbers. Today I can't rent a flea bag apartment for the money I get!
So getting a village girl to come in and be a house helper is impossible. She needs more money than I have to just make her ends meet. Society has become so fractured that people rather do nothing than stoop to be a house helper....unless it pays very well......then, even then, there is a stigma or something to be "in service". In service... what we all do in a way when we work for someone else.

If there were real universal health care in this country then I could hire someone and not worry about the benefits I can not pay that a human being needs. If there were a real mind set change in this country then others would not feel that "in service" was somehow beneath them as honest and useful work.
Society has changed so much that it is really not better. Not really. We are isolated from the neighbors and uncaring about the needs of others that we could be of service to. I was a nanny for a summer, then a primary care giver. I also am educated and was a college teacher for a while too. Now I am alone and overwhelmed with duty and my own desires for my end of the road life. I never wanted much and now I am holding on to what ever I have so I do not fall into the abyss. I hope there is good news on Monday.

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