a heart is captive

a heart is captive

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Fear and Hope

So much has happened this last year. August to August. My head whirls just thinking about everything unplanned that HAD to be dealt with. I am 4 months in a new house that turned out to be in worse shape than advertised. We make do and are slowing fixing it. A new family member is with us who lost her life savings and home by "theft" by her own family.

I am scared of this coming winter. When I am alone I can cope well enough, but my 95 year old Auntie needs better care than I would give myself so I need to provide for her first. Now the weather is nice but when the snow flies and we need to drive to Bangor to get the miracle eye injections that gave her back her sight, I am afraid. I have not driven in snow since 2008. I can still drive. I am fine, but I have this responsibility for her well being. Caring for cats is one thing but another human being?

I still need to get the driveway and pathway fixed since she uses a walker, and this house was not bought with her in mind last June! So much to think and plan for. I have interviewed a nice lady to help. I have written my cousin to see if she'd like to live here for a year and enjoy and help too. I do not want her husband though, he creeps me out a bit. He is happy as a wilderness man and I know she is not thrilled to be living like that anymore. She will most likely say no to me.

Life is funny. I was never in the top 10 to do what I am doing. I am as far away from California as I can get and stay in the USA. I'd rather go home to Canada and I would have, but Auntie is here. Yes life is funny. It is scary. It is thrilling. It is beautiful. It is full of ugly. Yet life is all there is and all must be accepted and lived through. I just need to keep going through the long tunnel and I know there will be enough sunshine, pretty snow falls and nice times to make up for the hardships.

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