My Life ... since a Venn Diagram is complicated

My Frustration level is at max. I have a head ache all the time, my shoulder, which attracts the stress is painful to the feeling of nausea.
I have given a home to my old 98 yr old aunt.
I have a husband whom I love and want happy. We live under the constant fear and threat of all the aftermath of 9/11( you all would not understand very well.)
All my aunts stuff came to this house with the few things of my mother's stuff I saved after her death( that event lasted 6 years and is another circle in the Venn)
I have a fixer upper house which I bought before the Old One needed a place to live so it is in need of fixing.
Old One did not like the downstairs room( which is the warmest w=room in the house while all the rest of the house remains cool enough for my comfort. ) Because it was too small. She was very nasty about not wanting such a small room.......I was ready to put a nice accessible powder room in that room so she could not travel all over to use the bathroom at night....It is a decent size bedroom. But no. She needed the biggest bedroom room in the house. I have had to put extra heaters in the room and with the main house hold furnace it is like an oven but still she complains about it being too cold...nowhere is 85º too cold, especially when it is below zero out side.
I need to function in a too warm house all the time because she only sleeps in the biggest bedroom which is upstairs and needed a stair lift chair $$ to get upstairs. All the bathrooms need new toilets since she did not like anyone them not high enough for her $$. Since she is all over the house all the bathrooms need to accommodate her.
I need to remodel the downstairs bathroom because it is a sight and I knew I would need to fix it when I bought the house...no can do yet....why? No one to do it...this area is bereft of workers of quality, or ethics.
I painted my own bedroom in self preservation since I wanted somewhere to be that was pretty and nice for me...yes selfish me... it is OK but with out a ladder not as nice as I could do and I was exhausted since the move to here was another circle in the Venn diagram that overlaps with the mother diagram. Please put all the diagrams inside the post 9/11 aftermath...there are three that overlap that one but not here yet.

Last year Old One took a tumble because she refused to wear grippy socks while walking and she slipped on the floor and banged herself up enough to be in the hospital.....was that any respite for me? No. For 30 days I needed to wait until the hospital called to tell me she would not be sent home today....I could not get anything done, is was the dead of winter and I still had no one to do any work here in the house for me. As well as every day...every freaking day she could have been discharged and I would need to drive the 45 miles to pick her up at the notice of the phone call.
When she was sent home she was given nice home heath care workers that came in an helped her bathe, do a little physical therapy which she needed (she is not dead yet and can still do things to make it easier on herself and me)
A nurse to asses her once a week. She threw a major tantrum and refused all help...meaning I now had more work than before.
She does not have dementia she is spoiled and stubborn and used to having everything her own way. Make a nice circle for her too.
I was able, or at the time I thought, to find a contractor to do stuff for me since I had frozen pipes and the back of the house foundation would collapse taking the back room bathroom, laundry room and deck with it. OK fine now I need to do this but If I do this can I get the kitchen done( I did not want state of the freaking art hight end kitchen just a simple change) No problem with the amount you have allotted you should get the foundation done the back room dry walled, the deck redone( since it had to come off for the foundation to get done) and the kitchen. And there was enough for a simple powder room since the bathroom downstairs could be out of service for a while)
I must say I called 5 foundation companies and not one NOT ONE showed up to even look and give me an estimate. This guy looked ok and I like a stupid desperate fool said OK.We will start with the powder room since the toilet was already there.....I can only work weekends... OK... I figure a month of weekends. He became Oh by the way this is a problem , Oh by the way that needs to be repaired oh by the way ........FTS.
I was beaten down and had a huge mess in the house that I just wanted freaking done. And the foundation was in imminent danger of collapse, for real and still......
I am still dealing with everything plus a husband who needs to be tended to as a loving wife wants to.....He is another circle and I am always not doing something right. No he has not been here since the beginning since he has his own set of Venns that he had to to and one of those circles still overlap these other circles. There a five more new circles to put in but at this point I am tired and what is the use.......I am tired.

Over all view of life in the wake of the republican misanthropy

I have a nearly 99 year old aunt living with me. It is obvious that she needs more full time care than my 24/7 can do. I am exhausted, I am living in a jail and it is my death sentence since I am not a young person. She should be in a skilled facility that can help her out of bed to the bathroom, and help her to her chair and when she needs to move around. She can walk with a walker but I would say she is at maybe 40% capacity. She can not stand up longer enough to pull up panties or slacks to dress. And using the bathroom she can manage most of the time except when she falls. She falls 2 ways a slump to the floor and the argument with the floor and the floor wins which results in broken noses and many bruises and swellings. There is a lot of other little things she can and cannot do. However it is my health and life that I am now concerned with. I wanted to enjoy a day out with my husband just a day.But I needed to cancel out today since she fell and then told me getting out of bed was hard and she almost could not do it. When there was help for her( consequently me) after a major fall last year, she threw out all the nice helpers that came several times a week. If she would not have been bitchy she would have learned strengthening exercises and have had to do them instead of sit all day. She may not have been stuffing her face with cookies and candy( if she does not get her snacks she throws a tantrum. I tried to get her to loose a little weight since for her size she is about 25 pound over her best weight. But she threw a fit over that too. So the only things she lies to do is sit watch TV or read. I am tired and feeling so trapped by my own good intentions, but it is obvious she needs to be in a old folks home. However that is not easy nor cheap. And here is where the republicans fit in...they hate medicare and anything to do with poor people. Yes she is poor but has a pension and her social security. She has my home and I am suppose to sacrifice' my life for hers according to the government. I say Phooey. A few of those bombs and drones can easily take care of 100s of Old old people until they finally die. But the repubs like the war profits.... I am sad, disappointed since I have not been on an outing for more than 4 years....I am worn out.

Trapped

I am so trapped. I have no where to go. I hate every breath I take right now. Nowhere to escape this hell. Nowhere to go. Each day will be like this until other people depart. No respite, no rest. No air to breath. If I began to scream out my anxiety I fear I will never stop screaming until my vocal cords snap. There is nothing holding me down but gravity and nowhere to go.....

Watching the Sea

I am watching the tide come in, the small waves rolling and undulating gradually covering the sandbar that the stream's meander has cut on its way through the marsh. It is a narrow spit that keeps the stream as a tight S curve to the bay. The channel has deepened. What is interesting is the level of the tide has rises a lot since I started watching a few years back. Once, even at a full moon high tide, the sandbar was never covered. Now a regular tide covers it and creates waves with a bit of froth. If the sea level is not rising then the land must be sinking a bit for this to happen. It is pretty and looks like soon I will have waterfront property. I like the sea. I rather watch the sea than people. I rather depend on the sea than a clock.

Carpe Diem

I just had a birthday. I am reminded daily that I am no longer young no matter how I feel inside. I have a few aches, the face is no longer 25. I am forced by circumstances to start to sell off my stuff since there are no heirs to do it later after I am dead. So why not part with the treasures now? Life is very complicated for a refugee when there is no permanent place to settle. It is always something making that "last home" become transient.

I like this house but it needs a bit more work to make it comfortable for me for the rest of my life. The big question is how long is the rest of my life? I have my Old aunt living with me who was once my age. She is a few months shy of 99 and she never expected to last this long. After having her live with me I can say with all honestly I never want to last that long; but unlike her I know what to do and have no qualms about it.

Today is cold and foggy. No snow to be festive and I am not missing it. I question the madness of this season. I like the festiveness but there is no one to be festive for. Old One could not care less and never was much of a festive person in her younger days.I have a recipe of cookies in the fridge chilling to make up and I will a bit later today.

I have the first treasures on Ebay, books... nice ones but no one to give them to. It may become easier to sell off the bounty of my life. I also need to deal with the bounty of the Old One's life. There are no charities here to box them up and donate them so I am left with the online garage sale or the trash and I could not bear the trash for my treasures.

Carpe Diem Seize this day.

New Normal

While reflecting on the latest and certainly not the last shooting, as heartsick as I am, this is the new normal for us. While we, as a nation, have inflicted this kind of pain on other countries in the name of whatever( I think warmonger profits are the prime mover) since 2002( and of course before with the various "actions" we took in the name of what? more war profits since nothing positive has come about from these actions in other countries) I am resolved to be a target as I have been since the Iran hostage thing (many of you are too young to remember that and I think the truth was never taught in the schools) I am sorry the US has devolved into this miasma of hate and despair. The stink of xenophobia is strong and rankles my nose. There is no real hope for change since most people seem to revel in the violence they can contemplate to inflict on those "others" . there is not one person who is running for any office who will be able to make a change for the better since those who pull the strings are not elected. Once the elected person gets the briefing of the truth of his/her office then what ever heartfelt promise they made needs to be abandoned.
Some of my own relatives have hatred for people based on one action of one individual and paints with a broad brush. It is ignorant but by golly they are entitled to their opinion as if it is truth. So much for people I know. If I can not expect a family member to see the difference in a variety of peoples and beliefs then what hope is there for strangers who are so fearful and full of hate filled fear that they wish every one dead?
So what is the difference with the frightened people of the US who are so undereducated to understand or see that violence is not the answer to the world's problems today when our own government thinks and acts only in violence and cruelty when dealing with all of its citizens and those we invade with out rhyme or reason? What are you really patriotic about? really what moves you to support men and women who of their own desire join up to kill those in others countries thousands of miles away? To what end are these wars. We are no infected with the violence is the only action plague.
Every human being and really every animal on earth wants to live a nice life and raise their family. No neighbor should be homeless or hungry in this whole world. No man or woman needs to be a billionaire while their fellow citizens can not afford to eat or live in a decent home. It is as simple as that. Too many people have too much and too many people have nothing. If you can not see that this is a great wrong, a travesty of this only life we have then you are the problem with this world and not the guns, Guns are only the means desperate people have to lash out. The collective soul of America stinks with corruption, avarice, and greed so thick it is has blinded most to the truth. Do unto other as you would have done unto you.

Ten Years Ago

Tomorrow it will be ten years that my mother died. I was in route to see her and missed her by a few hours. The why is important too. I would have been there sooner but my sister said it was not serious and to take my time. She was lying. During these past ten years I lost my mother, moved two times, had a breakdown, lost several other relatives, friends, and cats. The cats are important family to me so they are included. I am living in a place I never heard of now. I have another home in another place I never heard of too. My breakdown is ongoing in treatment. I have custody of my very elderly aunt(98), no other family wanted her and I know why but that is not the point. I miss my mother today. I have not seen nor spoken to the person who once was my sister in ten years. It appears she is not concerned by this silent 10 years. Today I am ill. Most likely an ear something since I am dizzy brained and feel a bit cottony in the head. I have a nice view out the window. What is left of my family is safe and home. Life is OK. My aunt is not my mother and each day I do for my aunt I miss my mother since she is not like my mother at all. I am almost used to not having a sister. When the one you thought was a sister turns out to hate your guts since childhood one gets over the sisterly feeling fairly fast. Today there is no snow, Ten years ago there was a lot of snow then; in Texas it was very warm and very dry. I no longer call Texas home; nor do I call California home. Home is where most of my stuff is or at least where my cats are. I am wondering around in my brain today since it is tens years since my mother died and 11 since the last time I saw her alive and I miss her.