I am living through the hardest time of my life. I had other hard times, years of living through a special kind of hell but I still had youth to see me through the tunnel. I still could dream of some pleasant time in the future. But not now. I am at an age people can suddenly die or get some dreadful disease and then my life would be over. All my dreams shattered and picking up the pieces of those dreams cut my fingers and I bleed. It is hard to see through this time since I am much wiser now and I know things can get worse.
That old saying of "well what else can go wrong" is like a challenge to the Universe. Damocles sword hangs over my head. I am paying the price of doing the right thing for the right reason. It does not make my days easier since I am no sainted martyr who relishes suffering. I trap what bits of joy of each day and sometimes that basket is nearly empty and I need to hold tight to those little joys or break from the grief of my life. I can suspend my disbelief when I watch Dr Who. But I can not pretend I received an apology due me has been given. I need to let go, and I have let go of many things but we all know that to forget a major event of pain making is hard. There is always something to break the stitches and the blood oozes just enough to make a mess. Good metaphors.
I have much to be grateful for but why should I always be thankful for not having more bad stuff happening to me? I would like to live for a while where only nice things happen for a change and be thankful of the good things and not be thankful that things were not worse. That is why I have no more faith, belief, or other religious trappings. I got tired of being on the conveyor belt receiving end of being glad things were not worse than they were. So on this Sunday I say Phooey.
a heart is captive
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Just Now
I usually write things that are serious since I am always thinking seriously. It is a lovely autumn day and I tire of being serious.The crows are cawing and the baby next door is unhappy and making her unhappiness known. The cars make noise going by but once they are gone it is all leaves in the wind sounds, the wind chimes and birds. Do motorcycle riders see any of the scenery when they ride I wonder? The huge ferns are turing golden. They grew to be 5 feet tall. Coffee was good today. The Old One is having trouble with eating, nothing seems to be what her stomach want to have in it. And theta traitor stomach will give me no clue. But at 97 almost 98 --98 if we count 9 month in her mother and lots of people do ;-)
So what is going on not much but the parade of life.Grab each day you can and strangle some joy out of it. To be serious all the time is not good gets too many people into trouble.
My big question is why does so many people want to deny most of the world a nice little life? I am sure if you ask regular people everywhere what is important few would day the domination and control of the world. Most are like me, a sound house, enough food and clothes to be well fed and warm. Family and friends, well cared for pets/companion animals. Energy to keep it all clean. A job that does not suck the very soul out from your guts each day. And no blood on your hands from killing. Am I right?
The wind is warm, the air has a floral scent, later the the sea scent will arrive but that is much later in the day.
There is lots of house work to do but this day is too nice to be inside. If not why even have a porch?
So what is going on not much but the parade of life.Grab each day you can and strangle some joy out of it. To be serious all the time is not good gets too many people into trouble.
My big question is why does so many people want to deny most of the world a nice little life? I am sure if you ask regular people everywhere what is important few would day the domination and control of the world. Most are like me, a sound house, enough food and clothes to be well fed and warm. Family and friends, well cared for pets/companion animals. Energy to keep it all clean. A job that does not suck the very soul out from your guts each day. And no blood on your hands from killing. Am I right?
The wind is warm, the air has a floral scent, later the the sea scent will arrive but that is much later in the day.
There is lots of house work to do but this day is too nice to be inside. If not why even have a porch?
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
My attitude has changed
Once I laughed at jokes degrading women, you know blond jokes and all the rest. I once did not mind seeing women used as some sales tool in advertising, I would brush it off thinking it was normal and therefore OK. Not any more. I lost my sense of that kind of humor. I also no longer appreciate the art photos of lovely women or the more smutty ones. I am disturbed that female celebrities, actresses, singers, and others in the news type of women are trying hard to be so sexy and exhibitionists to get seen. They seem to enjoy this. However I see it as sad and pathetic to depend on transient beauty. Girls are still trading on their looks or availability to be a sex objects instead of education, self assurance, self respect and doing something with their lives instead of still becoming that sex object for hire. This is echoed to the older women and the to my age group to still be vital and sexy ( read young and available). An older woman is respected only if she is still wildly attractive to men. We are dependent on men for our self esteem. Men still regard women as some what inferior, not all of the men use that term "inferior", but they use similar words or phrases or tone of voice. Wink wink. So nothing has changed in my life time. We (women) are no more respected now then were were 50 years ago 100 years ago or 200 years ago. Our rights are still not respected, we still do not get equal pay. The old men in congress still have smutty minds and are are too nosy about mine and every other woman's "lady parts" and trying to control us. No one likes an uppity woman and they (the men who write ad copy, legislation, text books, TV shows...) still work over time to keep us in our place. They have divided us and with that division we are easily controlled. It is a pity. It is sad.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
The Next Round of Cheating Begins
I have just experienced the next round of corporate cheating. It seems every few months whatever I buy costs more simply because the quantity has been secretly reduced. A gallon of paint covers X amount of wall space. However the 64 ounces to that gallon has been reduced to 56 ounces so the rule of thumb of how many cans to buy is out the window. When I buy coffee I expect so many pots from the can. When I get fewer pots I think I am misusing my measuring spoon...but no! There are now fewer ounces in the can and I did not run out of coffee the coffee ran out on me! I have lately been being aggravated by the roll of paper towels falling off the the holder. Was it my nerves or am I just going crazy? NO! One benefit of having the Old One's stuff here and unpacking at leisure I cam across several older rolls of paper towels at least 5 years old( she was a devotee to Costco) The new paper towels are a full 3/4 inch shorted( narrower?) so they do not fit onto the roll securely. I believe the corporate world is gas lighting me! It is the big pot of frogs in the water with the heat on and ever so slowly the water warms....it is now scalding me, I am onto their tricks. It now costs more to live on less income. Yes the frogs are beginning get cooked. I have jumped out since I now know no corporation is trust worthy and it is now every one for himself. I read labels. You all can be the sheeple. I may have been reduced to a free range serf but I will wear the red in protest. The red ribbon is in. I bought my ribbon from China direct. No more fakery patriotism for me.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
RED!
I love life. I love life for all people and all living non people. I have no illusions that there is a heaven or hell. That is a a tale for children, for those who are not aware of the precious value of life.
As much as I love life I am drawn to suicide to rid me of the pain of watching, hearing about those who hate, of those who can kill any life with no more thought than taking a piss.
However I am in despair at how every government and religion is behaving towards their own people and others not “approved” by their narrow view of this world.
I am sick at heart and soul at the wholesale killing, the callous disregard for another’s love of life to the point that making others suffer, killing others, is some how alright, is some how acceptable.
I remember how horrified the world was when that Buddhist monk set himself on fire in South East Asia during the Viet Nam war. I remember people talking about that was such a tragedy.
When Robin Williams could not longer stand his demons he took his life away. Millions were horrified, grief stricken to loose such a beloved public figure. I then thought if this man who had everything I always wanted, talent, wealth, public acclaim, could throw his life away in his pain then why not me. Why not end my pain at having to see the suffering, the purposely unfairness of others, the hatred towards me by my own government. A government who can not even spare part of the vast riches they squander on killing others to shelter the homeless, feed children, help heal the sick in their own country from the taxes taken from the serfs who support this regime of death.
Then I was thinking through this ideal of killing myself that no one will care except a few close people and of course my cats. I could not kill myself to make a statement about the One Percent oppressing the other Seven Billion people because there is not enough hearts to feel the outrage felt by that death of one Buddhist monk on the stairs so long ago.
If I asked others to join me in suicide, a mass suicide? No that will only create a news event of 5 minutes and then the One Percent will be rid of those who are watching them. Then those precious lives will be gone for nothing.
What makes us all alike? The red of our blood. The kittens murdered by that cop in front of terrified children, their blood was red. The people blown apart by Israeli bombs their blood is red. The wounds created by the rocks thrown at the Israeli solider that blood is red. The slaughter animals condemned only to tantalize the taste buds of “gourmands”… their blood is red as well.
From now on I will wear a a red ribbon on my arm or wrist, or a red piece of duct tape on my clothes, on my car, my bike. This is the symbol of life. It is only seen in death now a days. But If everyone who is fed up, tired and weary of this insanity created by the less than One Percent of the Seven Billion peoples of this planet puts a strip of red tape on their out side clothes, cars, bikes, backpacks, purses, hand bags, cell phones something…. everything…. to be seen by others every day; this will mean I would kill myself if it would stop the madness of these governments, religions, groups who only wish harm and unhappiness for others.
If you love life for everyone then join me. If you wish to spread this idea a piece of red tape on bank doors, restaurants, businesses windows, Not a vandalized size just a few inches to show you know they are part of that One Percent of the insane people who value money over life, that One Percent who lust after power over others so they can make them suffer. Or like our governments who have forgotten us and think we are so much cannon fodder or cash cows to milk dry then throw away. Wear red, not as clothes no, but a strip of tape placed in any way on your jeans, skirts, boots, hats, sleeves. A bumper sticker of red tape, a strip on the door or window of your house. And when people mention it because they will tell them it is the blood of life and you refuse to kill yourself to make the One Percent happy but you want them to know that YOU know THEY are insane and wrong about everything they believe. Since they do not value the only thing we all have for a short time…..LIFE.
As much as I love life I am drawn to suicide to rid me of the pain of watching, hearing about those who hate, of those who can kill any life with no more thought than taking a piss.
However I am in despair at how every government and religion is behaving towards their own people and others not “approved” by their narrow view of this world.
I am sick at heart and soul at the wholesale killing, the callous disregard for another’s love of life to the point that making others suffer, killing others, is some how alright, is some how acceptable.
I remember how horrified the world was when that Buddhist monk set himself on fire in South East Asia during the Viet Nam war. I remember people talking about that was such a tragedy.
When Robin Williams could not longer stand his demons he took his life away. Millions were horrified, grief stricken to loose such a beloved public figure. I then thought if this man who had everything I always wanted, talent, wealth, public acclaim, could throw his life away in his pain then why not me. Why not end my pain at having to see the suffering, the purposely unfairness of others, the hatred towards me by my own government. A government who can not even spare part of the vast riches they squander on killing others to shelter the homeless, feed children, help heal the sick in their own country from the taxes taken from the serfs who support this regime of death.
Then I was thinking through this ideal of killing myself that no one will care except a few close people and of course my cats. I could not kill myself to make a statement about the One Percent oppressing the other Seven Billion people because there is not enough hearts to feel the outrage felt by that death of one Buddhist monk on the stairs so long ago.
If I asked others to join me in suicide, a mass suicide? No that will only create a news event of 5 minutes and then the One Percent will be rid of those who are watching them. Then those precious lives will be gone for nothing.
What makes us all alike? The red of our blood. The kittens murdered by that cop in front of terrified children, their blood was red. The people blown apart by Israeli bombs their blood is red. The wounds created by the rocks thrown at the Israeli solider that blood is red. The slaughter animals condemned only to tantalize the taste buds of “gourmands”… their blood is red as well.
From now on I will wear a a red ribbon on my arm or wrist, or a red piece of duct tape on my clothes, on my car, my bike. This is the symbol of life. It is only seen in death now a days. But If everyone who is fed up, tired and weary of this insanity created by the less than One Percent of the Seven Billion peoples of this planet puts a strip of red tape on their out side clothes, cars, bikes, backpacks, purses, hand bags, cell phones something…. everything…. to be seen by others every day; this will mean I would kill myself if it would stop the madness of these governments, religions, groups who only wish harm and unhappiness for others.
If you love life for everyone then join me. If you wish to spread this idea a piece of red tape on bank doors, restaurants, businesses windows, Not a vandalized size just a few inches to show you know they are part of that One Percent of the insane people who value money over life, that One Percent who lust after power over others so they can make them suffer. Or like our governments who have forgotten us and think we are so much cannon fodder or cash cows to milk dry then throw away. Wear red, not as clothes no, but a strip of tape placed in any way on your jeans, skirts, boots, hats, sleeves. A bumper sticker of red tape, a strip on the door or window of your house. And when people mention it because they will tell them it is the blood of life and you refuse to kill yourself to make the One Percent happy but you want them to know that YOU know THEY are insane and wrong about everything they believe. Since they do not value the only thing we all have for a short time…..LIFE.
Friday, July 11, 2014
What I have learned
I have been through 3 power outages since 9:45 am so I have had time to really think about the state of the Union of the USA. Most electricity companies are for profit so I will thank the workers who get the lines back up and working but not the company since they are not it it as a service to me or the community but for profit and like all for profit companies in the USA they cut corners on the consumer side all the time. So no thank-yous for EMERA for getting my electricity back on; it is your job and you help thwart me from using alternate power, too. Just keep it on. I pay enough for it anyway. Plus you are not even an American company but from Canada.
Another thing I have learned is the William Randolph Hearst was the spear head leader to vilify Hemp as a good crop for paper and fiber and all the other things it can do( a milk like beverage, textiles from rope to silky fabric, oil and so on) Only because he had invested in forests for tree pulp paper. He owned nearly all the important newspapers and several congressmen/Senators so it was a slam dunk to ruin a cash crop that even President Washington grew.
I am sure the big pharmaceutical industry is behind the vilification of marijuana and the opiates as useful medications. I do know morphine is better at controlling pain with out addiction than oxycodone. I do not smoke grass but of course the liquor industry does not want weed to interfere with its billions of dollar sales each years.
No insurance wants to pay out money so those of us who pay into it at a high rate out of fear. Insurance companies have no right to be in the health care area of people. They are there make money...Period. So it is an oxymoron to say health insurance.
Another thing is neither the Israelis not the Palestinians want peace. If they did they would not be doing everything to not have peace. This war and all the other ethnic wars are profiting many businesses and not all of them are American so the other so called first world nations have a big stake in keeping the fighting going.
The USA Government has ceased to be the citizen of the country. We lost our power several decades ago. It is so obvious with the devolution of the Republican part and the neutering of the Democratic party. Few senators and congressmen are independent of some lobby or corporate ownership. Those who can stand the test of scrutiny are allowed in as tokens to keep up the veneer that we are some how a democracy still. We are not. We changed over to fascism a while back. One problem that people have is the definition was changed well over a decade ago in the common dictionaries published here in the USA. I know since I collect old dictionaries and read them. We just do it a bit different since times are different.
So this is what I know and have learned.
Another thing I have learned is the William Randolph Hearst was the spear head leader to vilify Hemp as a good crop for paper and fiber and all the other things it can do( a milk like beverage, textiles from rope to silky fabric, oil and so on) Only because he had invested in forests for tree pulp paper. He owned nearly all the important newspapers and several congressmen/Senators so it was a slam dunk to ruin a cash crop that even President Washington grew.
I am sure the big pharmaceutical industry is behind the vilification of marijuana and the opiates as useful medications. I do know morphine is better at controlling pain with out addiction than oxycodone. I do not smoke grass but of course the liquor industry does not want weed to interfere with its billions of dollar sales each years.
No insurance wants to pay out money so those of us who pay into it at a high rate out of fear. Insurance companies have no right to be in the health care area of people. They are there make money...Period. So it is an oxymoron to say health insurance.
Another thing is neither the Israelis not the Palestinians want peace. If they did they would not be doing everything to not have peace. This war and all the other ethnic wars are profiting many businesses and not all of them are American so the other so called first world nations have a big stake in keeping the fighting going.
The USA Government has ceased to be the citizen of the country. We lost our power several decades ago. It is so obvious with the devolution of the Republican part and the neutering of the Democratic party. Few senators and congressmen are independent of some lobby or corporate ownership. Those who can stand the test of scrutiny are allowed in as tokens to keep up the veneer that we are some how a democracy still. We are not. We changed over to fascism a while back. One problem that people have is the definition was changed well over a decade ago in the common dictionaries published here in the USA. I know since I collect old dictionaries and read them. We just do it a bit different since times are different.
So this is what I know and have learned.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
This and That and The Other
I have been thinking about life, the world, and everything for a week or so. I have a few observations about what I have been ruminating about.
In no particular order:
1. resent the names of sporting areas and other type venue buildings named for corporations. It goes right to my anarchist nerve along with being referred to as a consumer and not a citizen. I had a minor fit when after the events of 9/11 President Bush told Americans to do what they did best SPEND MONEY AND BUY STUFF, to show those ol’ terrorists we were fine, while he and his regime began to dismantle the constitution behind that good ol’ boy facade. Phooey.
I just watched my new DVD --Jesus Christ Superstar. It is a deluxe DVD with commentary by Norman Jewison and Ted Neeley. I loved that movie from the first time I saw it in the very early 1970s. After being treated to a full day of drudgery with all the holy Jesus movies on Easter on TCM, it was nice to watch a quality piece of work. The commentary was so special. I do not roam around the Direct TV dial since 99% is real crap and the other stuff is reruns. When I gave up TV when I was forced to go digital in ’09, I never looked back with regret. I own a few sets of DVDs of my favorite series and re watch them when the mood strikes me. I do have a lot of favorite movies, these, my books, and music round out my entertainment.
I enjoyed the winter. If I were not forced to keep the house so hot I would have been happier. I am now enjoying this creeping Spring. I saw daffodils today while out and shoots of tulips or whatever they are at the side of my house. I hope the ferns survived being frozen for the last few months. I love the ferns.
I have two babies who seem to be planning to leave. Frosty the touch me not cat, has stopped running away from me at meal time and he has taken to sleeping in the same room I am in...he used to stay away from the group. If he would let me I would hold him in my arms and smoochy him all up. Scotsman has taken to sleeping on my lap, or in the bathroom sink. Both are elderly.
I have given up on the dreams and ideals I held as an American, and now also as a Canadian. Both countries have good things about them, and both have scare me to death sinister sides that are less veiled. I can see the contempt both governments have towards their citizens/consumers. It is sad and terrifying.
For now I am finished with this chapter of rumination.
In no particular order:
1. resent the names of sporting areas and other type venue buildings named for corporations. It goes right to my anarchist nerve along with being referred to as a consumer and not a citizen. I had a minor fit when after the events of 9/11 President Bush told Americans to do what they did best SPEND MONEY AND BUY STUFF, to show those ol’ terrorists we were fine, while he and his regime began to dismantle the constitution behind that good ol’ boy facade. Phooey.
I just watched my new DVD --Jesus Christ Superstar. It is a deluxe DVD with commentary by Norman Jewison and Ted Neeley. I loved that movie from the first time I saw it in the very early 1970s. After being treated to a full day of drudgery with all the holy Jesus movies on Easter on TCM, it was nice to watch a quality piece of work. The commentary was so special. I do not roam around the Direct TV dial since 99% is real crap and the other stuff is reruns. When I gave up TV when I was forced to go digital in ’09, I never looked back with regret. I own a few sets of DVDs of my favorite series and re watch them when the mood strikes me. I do have a lot of favorite movies, these, my books, and music round out my entertainment.
I enjoyed the winter. If I were not forced to keep the house so hot I would have been happier. I am now enjoying this creeping Spring. I saw daffodils today while out and shoots of tulips or whatever they are at the side of my house. I hope the ferns survived being frozen for the last few months. I love the ferns.
I have two babies who seem to be planning to leave. Frosty the touch me not cat, has stopped running away from me at meal time and he has taken to sleeping in the same room I am in...he used to stay away from the group. If he would let me I would hold him in my arms and smoochy him all up. Scotsman has taken to sleeping on my lap, or in the bathroom sink. Both are elderly.
I have given up on the dreams and ideals I held as an American, and now also as a Canadian. Both countries have good things about them, and both have scare me to death sinister sides that are less veiled. I can see the contempt both governments have towards their citizens/consumers. It is sad and terrifying.
For now I am finished with this chapter of rumination.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)