One of those pity party days

I am feeling sorry for myself and I need to vent. How else than to blog?! First off, I do not resent taking in my Aunt Nellie, she is a nice person and in no way am I upset at her.

I am upset though at the reason I had to take her in. And that I was the only one to do it.

Here is my back story-- I will keep it short.

The reason is I was the only one to take care of my Dad when I was just 20 to age 36. I spent 16 years of the young, fun times caring for my Dad who could be very hard to live with; he was verbally abusive to me many times but I stayed for my mother's sake.

I had a sister (still do technically) but she was never around to help not one day in 16 years. Oh she'd come to visit and call to ask for money but as for any kind of help... never. After my Dad died I was 36, lost my youth and opportunities to make something of myself (not that the sister did anything worthwhile). I was under educated, no skills, no job to pay into SSA. No thanks from anyone except Mom. I actually got mouthy talk from relatives on how I sucked off my parents! That hurt very much too, considering they were eating the food I prepared, shopped for, and enjoying the clean house I kept. So my sister was nasty to me and so were the relatives. Yes I really sucked off them for a long time!!!!!

I then met the man who would become my husband. Shocked the hell out of everyone that anyone would marry me. I married in haste to escape and have a life. That was 25 years ago. Qudus sent me to college. So I now have a BA and a MA. I worked at a job I loved...teaching in college...until 9/11...this is another blog for later.

So we lived like other people ups and downs. We retired and moved to Maine since I hate the heat of Texas and I never met anyone nice there. After 9/11 it got worse for us but that belongs in another blog.

I have a lovely dumpster of a fixer upper house in Maine and what happens to me? My Elderly Aunt is being mistreated by those who said they would care for her. No one hit her but they left her alone, skimmed money off her and let an old lady be alone who should not have been nor was suppose to be...

There are plenty of people who could have cared for her while she stayed in her own little house she built but those relatives made sure that would not happen. You see even I knew that Frances was suppose to move into Joyce's house so she could care for Nellie, because Joyce told me that. So in their rush to screw an old lady Richard Uncle Jim and Mary did the unthinkable...at least to a compassionate person. Several nieces could have had her in their home in California if it came to that, and there used to be enough of Aunty's savings to help her along if she needed professional care in a home.

But no I am the only one who stepped up and offered her a home. I live in Maine and I already spent 16 years caring for another and was looking forward to having some fun in steampunk decorating my old dumpster or moving back to Canada and be with my husband and friends. I am a little tired and I am 60 and I am now sad and alone feeling and doing the best I can to care for someone who cared for me. Although I am not one of the many who lived with her during their lean times sucking off her generous heart.

So I am feeling sorry for myself today since I now have a hundred boxes to sort through, another house of furniture to find a place for, and I can't steampunk my bathroom. And I need to have cable TV for her and she likes FOX. So woe is me, But I am glad she is here with me and not all alone at the non mercy of those who should be caring for her in her own home!

So forgive me my pity party today. i have a hair appointment so maybe that will help.

Fear and Hope

So much has happened this last year. August to August. My head whirls just thinking about everything unplanned that HAD to be dealt with. I am 4 months in a new house that turned out to be in worse shape than advertised. We make do and are slowing fixing it. A new family member is with us who lost her life savings and home by "theft" by her own family.

I am scared of this coming winter. When I am alone I can cope well enough, but my 95 year old Auntie needs better care than I would give myself so I need to provide for her first. Now the weather is nice but when the snow flies and we need to drive to Bangor to get the miracle eye injections that gave her back her sight, I am afraid. I have not driven in snow since 2008. I can still drive. I am fine, but I have this responsibility for her well being. Caring for cats is one thing but another human being?

I still need to get the driveway and pathway fixed since she uses a walker, and this house was not bought with her in mind last June! So much to think and plan for. I have interviewed a nice lady to help. I have written my cousin to see if she'd like to live here for a year and enjoy and help too. I do not want her husband though, he creeps me out a bit. He is happy as a wilderness man and I know she is not thrilled to be living like that anymore. She will most likely say no to me.

Life is funny. I was never in the top 10 to do what I am doing. I am as far away from California as I can get and stay in the USA. I'd rather go home to Canada and I would have, but Auntie is here. Yes life is funny. It is scary. It is thrilling. It is beautiful. It is full of ugly. Yet life is all there is and all must be accepted and lived through. I just need to keep going through the long tunnel and I know there will be enough sunshine, pretty snow falls and nice times to make up for the hardships.

Beware of Relatives

Relatives are first in line to screw you. I have seen more times where it is family that is dangerous than strangers. My own story is sad but the story of my 95 year old Auntie is sadder.
Auntie is a WWII vet, single and has worked all her life and saved her money. In 2008 the the niece that was to care for her died. At the time she was blind and could not walk. Her darling Sister and Brother-in-Law offered to help her. The brother of the niece, Auntie's Nephew seems to be a jerk. Niece was on Auntie's bank accounts as a safety feature, as all elderly people are advised to get another to help with these things just in incase. Nephew decided that everything in Auntie's accounts was half his sister's! He took it out and left Auntie high and dry. Sold the house out from under Auntie- Auntie built this house, paid for it and paid all the property taxes, paid off the mortgage for Niece since she was dying of cancer.
Everyone( sister, brother-in-law, nephew) decided that half of the money from Auntie's account now belonged to them.
I get a letter from the Sister's lawyer telling me that Sister and Brother-in-Law have graciously let Auntie live rent free in her own house( they bought the houses from Nephew (Dead Sisters house and the house that Auntie built and paid for on the same double size lot.) Plus they said they were paying all the expenses of Aunties since the Dead Sister's death. However I have all the canceled checks and all the bank balances and Auntie paid every cent of her expenses and all the property taxes and related expenses of her house. Yet they say they were gracious enough to let her live in her own house rent free.
I am not going to tell this to their lawyer. He is a lawyer after all, and his ethics are with his clients. Since his clients have no conscience and told Auntie she is living too long anyway why should I spend my money to fight them? May they rot in their own living hell. I have Auntie in my home where she is safe fed and cared for. No more days of isolation and worry about what is to become of her. No one should be victimized, especially by family. But They are the first in line to screw you.

Bring Back the Trains

When did the governments become unresponsive to the needs of its citizens? When did our government cease to care about its citizens? Was it in my life time?

These are not idle and silly questions. I ask because I am concerned about how I live and every other ordinary person, is living here in the US and Canada.

I need to get from one place to another and driving is a very dangerous experience on the roads of Maine, New Brunswick, and other places. We have bad weather, large animals, small animals, and driver fatigue to be concerned about. Let alone dark desolated stretches of road with no means of communications in case of an accident. If the cell phone does not work, then what sort of help can be summoned?

Canada wants to stop VIA so there will no way to get from here to there by train. The US has already crippled Amtrak to the point of absurdity. We are forced to take dangerous, cramped air planes or drive across the hundreds and thousands of miles and risk our lives in the process. One would begin to think that travel of its citizens is not desired by the governments. Oh yes I can drive but it is long, dangerous roads, poorly maintained at that, I have access to. Gas prices aside the public needs real transportation. And Trains are the economical way to go. Not even high speed ones just the old fashioned ones that ran our country in the 1930s,1940s,1950s.... until the airlines took over with its siren song for speed and the automoblie industry seduced us with "freedom". I can live with out speed now since even air travel is uncomfortable, expensive, longer, and harder to get from here to there. And what price this freedom when I am stranded in the middle of nowhere with a flat tire?

An example. From Bangor Maine to not LA or San Francisco, but Sacramento, Calif will take 14 hours and cost $750 ONE WAY! I must change planes 3 times and the route is tortuous through Hub cities that double back. There will be nothing to eat and I will pay extra for one checked bag. I need to travel. If I did not need to I would never go to another airport again and be subjected to the rude, vile treatment from Homeland Security. The overworked airline staff try to be nice but they are getting 50% less than they did 15 years ago for more work. Air travel today is the cattle cars of the past. Even the first class ticket is on the same route and takes the same 14 hours! To travel by car means maybe a nine or more day drive at 500 miles a day motels and the fatigue. And I can never cross the state of New York in safety with their Jackboots roaming the highways. But I need to go to California to fetch my Aunt. I can't drive her back it would be too much for a 95 year old lady! It would add 21 days to my trip already. Whereas a train can do it in 3 or 4 days in relative comfort. Subject a 95 year old to 3 plane changes and 14 hours is torture. (Yes I know the US approves torture now)

What I want, nay, demand is the return to the train system, where dozens of towns had a station and there was a way to get from Podunkville to Boonieopolis with out a car. With out the stress of back roads and storm; with out the fear of breakdown(flat tire) in the middle of absolute nowhere!

Trains can be the way to move the citizens with a bit of comfort and just add a day or 2 to a trip, the planes may not be moving in the storm but the trains still do. I rather spend that extra day on a train than in the airport still facing the long uncomfortable flight when the weather does clear! And god forbid I get stuck on the tarmac for more than 4 hours! Even 30 minutes is pressing my panic attack buttons and going into meltdown.

So why not trains? Tell me Why not! Because the country is run by lousy automobile companies? Big oil makes diesel for trains so it is not them. Steel Plants can build rail cars. People can work laying more rails, keeping up stations and tens of thousands of jobs are created not just for short term but long term. Of course some intelligence and vision is needed from the rulers. And no one since FDR has cared about Americans, the little people the me and you people.

One of the Disappeared, today?

I am ready to cry today. Q needs to go back to Canada and has left for the 6 hour drive and the Jackboot's interrogation at the border. I am alone again. I am so not liking this arrangement at all. At least there seems to be clear weather for his drive. I can fall apart so fast and it is so hard to keep together. I hate what we have been forced to do. I get lost so easily.

I am outraged and sick at my treatment at the border yesterday. It was worse than an old war movie since it was real, and cold blooded and sanctioned by my government like they do torture to anyone who strikes their fancy. It only happened AFTER the Schutzstaffel (SS) officer saw my name on my passport. That is a good name for the Homeland Security forces on the border, they have as much power and fear producing ability.

I have a lot to keep busy but it does not stop the noise in my head. The what if fears that have haunted me since 9/11. He was stopped by police while on a field trip with a college bus full of students (all adults college students)detained in the back seat of their patrol car in front of the students for an hour, then told to get the hell out their county and escorted to the border. This was 16 miles from a major American city 7th largest. They could have taken him in and I never would have know what happened to him. He could have become one of the disappeared people, he can still be disappeared now at the border, he knows it. I know it and I am sick with fear, until he calls me. Then I know he is OK.

I rage and cry; fear and loathe all who do not know or do not care or like that this happens to people like us.

One half of my family tree was eliminated during the war,(WW2)in Europe. I know how easy it can happen to someone secular and as "American" as anyone else when the government hates a group of people....

Yes we have 2 houses, both old(112yrs) paid. Neither was an expensive house. Both needed work....this one is in the process from being a dump to livable and it is costing us more then what we have........

And I hate today. I hope it goes away soon. It should turn to pain soon and I will cry some more.

Steampunk Reinvented

I have a new old house to fix and decorate. I have been reading decorating magazines for decades and I have discovered I have sensible eclectic tastes. I saw Steampunk and like the few things I have seen very much. I love the anachronism in most of it. I have always loved the anachronistic details of the rooms in my head.


Today I scrolled through dozens of pages dedicated to steampunk and the like. It is mostly a literary genre and I am not much interested in that reading genre. I have plenty of books and DVDs that I prefer to read and watch in my free time. And the stories are not any better than the original plots from the old literature anyway so why bother me about it.
However I like much of what I see; except the dust catching, cat challenging decor bits. Cats are the agents of Chaos and any room needs to be up to their challenges.
I have also been watching my DVD set of Babylon 5 and saw clearly today that the two design aesthetics are complementary.

How does one decorate a home anyway? I can not afford a decorator or the overly expensive items that the “look” needs. I need to create my own elements from what I can do creatively and afford financially. And the big one…. what I can physically do...I am no longer the worker who can pull a 20 hour painting marathon sleep for a few hours and finish up the next day. I need to make each thing I do work the first time and not think I can do it over very soon. So a lot of thinking goes into this process. A lot of penny counting and energy banking are also needed now.

So I am a elder looking to combine several newish trends and make them my own with out looking silly or regretting the time and effort spent.

This will be my 3rd house I have decorated and most likely my last. It must first meet the needs of my elder aunt who is coming to live with me. Thankfully she has artistic tastes. I need to create a safe and age in place environment, since I plan to live here for a while or until I need to move back to Canada. Auntie needs to be in the USA and hopefully will live to 100.
So that means safety and accessibility need to be built in at the very beginning of this project.

It will not be hard since just because I have grown old I have not grown different. I am still the me created by my ideas and experiences, my tastes and desires. No worry to going for Early American colonial styles since it was not in me earlier. Let the youth rediscover that genre of decor. I saw enough in my childhood! I don’t want safe beige and white...unless the white is ivory and glows like a pearl, the gold will be metallic and I will have the copper but not in my pots and pans…..
I see only a pleasant challenge ahead. I also see the real need for a safe ladder too!

June is Busting Out

I am getting ready for a great adventure. I need to get all the stuff I can nail down nailed down the rest will just have to float for a while. I may need and I plan to stay longer than 2 weeks to get auntie Nellie, Boris the cat, and all her stuff ready to move. Fresno is out and Sacramento is in. For all its size Fresno is a waste of my time. It has become harder to travel in the states and soon will be in Canada, too. Since VIA train is now stopping service from Montreal to Halifax. Atlantic Canada is not isolated.

It is all Business-is-government plot to control the movement of the people. We are forced to own a car, and pay money to the greedy oil companies. Public transport is non existent for all intents and purposes. Sweeti can NOT get from Calais, Maine to Miramichi New Brunswick. There is no train (used to be) there is no bus service, the only way is to drive. Addicted to OIL!? I think not we have no other choice at this time who created this Cowardly New World? Big auto industry and big oil along with the military industrial complex.


We are still the cash cows and we are getting less and less, fewer and fewer services from out high taxes. We are insulted by the people in government & abused by them on a daily basis. In New Brunswick if one does not speak French there are no jobs, and one is made to feel inferior to others. Everyone wants revenge on the ancient oppressor. Only bad thing is those oppressors are dead...LONG DEAD.....

Humanity is as vile as it ever was. Petty people occupy jobs where they can insult and make other lives miserable....they do it because no one has a voice. They do because they can.
Life is fair really. The rain falls on us all. However:

PEOPLE CHOOSE TO BE FAIR OR UNFAIR ON A DAILY BASIS. It is their choice and they hide behind arcane rules and their Prejudice, Bigotry, and Ethnic Hate. These petty bureaucrats & clerks are the first line against the people. they have theirs and their whole reason to be is to keep YOU and ME from getting what is promised from the Business-Is Government(BIG).

Yes June is busting out and I need to fight the system and try to rescue an old lady...... I need super powers and a load of money....money the state of New York has stolen from me btw, with their own grab for my throat..Money a nasty person who tricked me in Texas........Humans I'd rather deal with the Narn they have at least honor.